Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Some musings on the scene

Not too much to say this morning. San Francisco is cloudy. We need to do laundry after we've had some coffee and breakfast. We're still perusing the Frommer's guide book, deciding what to do today. We might hit Haight-Ashbury. Or go walk across the Golden Gate.

Being on vacation is a great time to spend together, but I've found you have to be with someone you really LIKE because there's always got to be compromise. I love hiking, and I fear I subjected Rad to a bit too much of that over the first couple days of our trip. Yesterday in Muir Woods was no exception. On the other hand, I think he LIKES seeing nature that, as a city boy, he never explored much. So I'm guessing that "going along with the hike" to humor me or to be with me is ultimately something he likes. I still have to watch pushing too much for stuff I like to do, and listen and do stuff HE likes to do.

I'd like to bicycle across the Golden Gate bridge, go back up to Marin County, and take the ferry back (something they suggested in the guide book). But it's a sixteen mile ride, and Rad's not really into that. But, maybe tomorrow, Friday, or Saturday I can do it by myself (they also have guided group tours available) and Rad can go explore something else.

Meanwhile, on our travels here and there and at night in the room, we have running conversations about the scene and our role within it. Last night we discussed Doms who are not husbands/significant others. Can the emotions that arise in a Dom/sub relationship coexist with a committed relationship? What about the egos of both the men? The Dom wants to be in charge and in control. The husband feels someone is messing with what is "his" -- someone is stepping into his turf.

I don't know if it's a huge issue for me but it's an issue, because I do like the idea of following someone's orders. Rad DOES issue orders once in a while, but we don't have a domestic discipline (or a Dom/sub or a Master/slave) relationship by any means. To be honest, I'm more into punishment for disobedience than the actual obedience. I'm not very submissive over the long haul. (I like temporary submissive scenarios).

If I had a Dom outside of my marriage, it couldn't be full-time in any way that would conflict with my primary relationship. For instance, if a Dom called me up or emailed and told me to go stand in the corner -- while I'm sitting at home with my husband -- it wouldn't be possible. On the other hand, it could give him license to punish me next time he saw me. I don't know. It's a delicate balance. Rad is my "Daddy" and I like the way that feels.


A.S.S. said...

We've talked about this very topic many times. It's interesting because we're really comfortable with a DD relationship on the giving end. There though, *I* am able to dictate the pace. If Suzy had an outside disciplinarian, that dynamic would indeed be totally different.

Like you say, if her top decided that she'd earned 20 minutes in the corner with no pants on... what then? Or what if the top decided on a rule that I disagreed with, or even one that contradicted the way things already (comfortably) worked within our marriage?

It is a delicate balance indeed. Ultimately we've decided that such a relationship couldn't be full-time and it could not be all inclusive. It would have to be limited to a specific area... and it would need to fit in specific parameters. Things such as, yes - you can spank Suzy as you see fit (when you see her)... yes - you can punish her outside of just spankings, but that needs to be limited.

Thing is too, if we did something like this, and it wasn't working... there can be adjustments made. And if still just doesn't work, then it stops. So the risk seems small. We'd just have to be on the same page... and the top would have to be pretty understanding of the situation.

It is something Suzy has thought about trying though, and I am open to it. She's pretty giving when it comes to my desires. I'd like to see her explore this side of herself.


Wednesday said...

In such a situation I would hope that the Dom involved would not "have" to have total control. There are levels of being in control: you can insist on making all of the rules, you can collaborate on the rules with the couple, or you can simply enforce rules the couple has agreed upon (ie: you become the disciplinarian). I could only see the last 2 scenarios as feasible as they do preserve the original relationship. I've kicked around the idea of becoming the "third wheel" on a couple of occasions and I would only accept such a position with a set of clear parameters and good communication with the non-submissive half of the couple. To do otherwise would invite more drama into my life than I would want. I would hope that there are other dominant types out there who feel the same way.