Wednesday, October 29, 2008


I think a nice, long, celebratory good-girl spanking is in order for this crazy cat. I'm moving into a real office! This will happen very soon, in a week or two, after others relocate. I will have a window, with a lovely 10th floor view of New York City, and a door! Yeah!

Now I'll have to work even harder and do additional work, of course, but hey, they wanted that anyway. The week isn't getting any less busy; tomorrow I have to waste time at a meeting when I have story deadlines to meet, and Friday there may be a lot of visitors coming through that I'll have to meet and greet. That doesn't bother me so much. Actually, I'm trying not to let any of it get to me this week.

In other news, I'm still craving a hard session, with bondage perhaps (rope? plastic wrap? duct tape?), and a severe strapping, or caning, or whipping. And perhaps some hair pulling. Or a gag. Or whatever other creative things the top comes up with. I've been working hard, doing too much. I'd like to let myself go and just "be done to." I think some of you know what I'm talking about.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A glorious day off

I had comp time coming to me so I took off today. It wasn't a good day, as far as the office is concerned, but, no day's really a good day to take off when you're short-staffed so they agreed that I better use it now so we don't have to worry about it later.

I went shopping. I mean SHOPPING. I needed essentials for the house, like dish detergent and toothpaste, but then I started to look around. Dangerous, especially in Target where they were having lots of sales.

I bought: Huge containers of dish detergent. Sponges. Dryer sheets. Toothpaste. Cat food. New cat dishes. New scarf. Isotoner gloves. A new bike helmet and floor pump. A bed-in-a-bag with comforter and sheets for the bed. New throw pillows. New bathtub mat and curtain. And, I splurged on a slipcover for the couch. Yes, I decided to take that step instead of buying a new leather couch right now.

I'd bought foam for replacement sofa cushions ages ago, and had never finished sewing the muslin covers for them (you have to cover the foam with a light fabric before you add heavier fabrics). Today, I finally finished sewing the muslin! I dragged the old cushions (which my cat had ruined) to the apartment basement, then started putting the slip cover on. It wasn't too complicated, and I think it looks nice.

(okay, I need to iron a bit...)

Then I put the new sheets and comforter on the bed before going to pick up Rad. It was fun surprising him later.

On top of all that, I also did a wee bit of work (yes, I know, but I had to do an interview so I could make a deadline on Friday), scrubbed the bathtub, and exercised. Didn't get to walk because it was raining pretty hard; just did my weight training.

I'm feeling good right now because finally there's a glimmer of hope that we CAN get the apartment into shape. I'm not embarrassed to have friends over now! Next step: maybe I'll tackle the linen closet, and maybe after that, the bedroom closet.

Tomorrow I'll probably talk about how I am craving a really hard session, with bondage perhaps...

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Office space

I guess I've been a bit depressed, and overwhelmed by work, and struggling to find something other than work to write about. (spanking? bondage? a good beating? I'm barely able to fantasize these days.)

Work felt more positive later in the week, but there's was still too much to do and I'm still taking it home with me. I met with my boss on Thursday. She wants me to be "on her side." (I feel that I AM on her side, but I get negative -- not about HER, but about the boss above her and the fact that they've laid people off and now want us to take up the slack). She says it's okay to say "no" to things that are not in my job description, but if I want to move up I should say "yes" more often. I say I'm willing to say "yes," but I don't want to always be saying "yes" with nothing to show for it. But this is the game they play. Okay, okay, I'm getting the message -- I'll go along for a while. I DO want to move up.

Then we discussed offices. In my opinion, there's no reason I shouldn't get an office. I've been in a cubicle since I started a year-and-a-half ago. They've let two people go recently, so there are two vacant offices, with doors and windows.

The top boss has this notion, apparently, that someone in my position should not have an office but "should" be in a cubicle. Let me explain that I've traveled to events for the company, given speeches and conducted a workshop; I represent the company when people come visit -- I'm pretty much doing the job of the person who "should" get an office.

Have I "earned" it? In my opinion, that's a dumb question. I've worked for over twenty years in the industry. Maybe I've "earned" it, maybe not, but I've been in larger companies where managing and executive editors sat in cubicles just because that's all that was available. But in my office, there ARE offices available, it's likely I WILL be promoted within the next year (to the job I'm pretty much doing now.)

So it's ridiculous to have to go through this. Later in the day, my boss comes back and says she's pushing to have me be allowed to move, at least temporarily, into an office. She's going to move into the larger office that was vacated and I'll probably get her office. Yay!

F'ing nonsensical office protocol. They would argue that they're not trying to keep people down, that they respect my work, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm not even asking for a raise! (yet).

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Guess I need a spanking or something

I'm feeling mentally and physically drained, but today, Saturday, is starting off well with a mostly blue sky, a three-quarter moon still visible to the west and a breeze through the window revealing a brisk fall morning. I ought to get my bike out and take it for a spin. I will do that, after coffee and breakfast.

Why so drained? The morale at work seems to be at one of its lowest points since I started a year-and-a-half ago. The Powers That Be chose to lay off a coworker two weeks ago, without a plan in place to handle her work. At the time they announced the layoff, they claimed they had a plan in place, and that this wouldn't affect any of our jobs. I didn't believe that, and, as I expected, this week I was asked to help with some of her work.

Meanwhile, all the articles I need to edit for the next issue are late -- over 10 days late -- because our top editor can't get her head out of her ass and make a decision. Naturally, that can't be used as an excuse: WE still have to make deadlines. My computer started acting up, not printing properly. Our friend who was just laid off might have helped with this, but, no more.

I'm working on a Mac (I previously only worked on PCs) and in InDesign (previously used Quark) and, while I'm all right with this technology, there are regular moments of frustration I come across. "Why isn't my cursor letting me edit text in this box? How many layers of boxes do we have here? Why are the proper fonts not appearing? What the f***?" etc. etc."

This wouldn't be so bad if we had a help desk person, but we don't. As a matter of fact, the last few companies I've worked at either didn't have a help desk person when I started, or his/her job was eliminated at some point in the name of cost-cutting.

I'm a word person. I've learned enough in modern publishing, over the years, to use these design programs -- as much as I've needed to. In other words, if someone else (ie, an art director) dealt with font maintenance, there was no reason (and usually, not enough time) to learn font maintenance. Why would I learn HTML code if my job is to provide copy to the web experts?

In my first publishing job, I worked on a newspaper with the printing press downstairs. The copy boy would run the sheets downstairs after each page was complete. I sometimes would go down after my shift, talk to the press guys and watch the first edition roll off the presses. (I used to LOVE that, especially when I had a byline on the front page.)

This doesn't mean that I knew how to work a printing press. I was a reporter!

If I'm doing the same job today -- reporting, editing, writing -- why is it that I'm supposed to suddenly be an expert in technology? And if technology is so advanced that it's supposed to be "easy" for everyone to use, why is it constantly frustrating and not doing what it's supposed to do? Why is it not more intuitive?

My company has finally agreed (after talking about this for over a year) to pay for me to take a three-day computer course. See, that's the other thing. Companies want employees to just ALREADY know how to do things, but it's rare when one offers to provide training. I'd like to know where this SUPER employee is who can interview, write, copyedit, proofread, write headlines, do research, answer correspondence from readers, read all the latest industry developments, design the pages, knows HTML codes, knows every nuance of Quark and Dreamweaver and InDesign and PhotoShop and Excel and god knows what else that's out there that I "should" know how to use -- oh, and would you mind getting me coffee while you're up?

Deep breath... okay, so that's my little work rant. All will be fine. On top of that, I'm also dealing with a troubled friend. Not going to go into too many specifics, but I THINK she's lying about her drug use... she asked me to lie to her boyfriend about something very minor; I said no. We are talking, I'm trying to "help," but don't know how much I can help.

So, yeah. A bike ride would help. A burst of exercise to elevate the mood. And perhaps a spanking later, if someone's willing to lend a hand?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

It all started with the oatmeal...

I promised yesterday that I'd try to have a good day, that I wouldn't get upset over anything, and would just let people go their merry ways without reacting. But it's so hard to stay nice, when your day starts off with crappy oatmeal.

I happened to make it my goal this week to eat oatmeal every day for breakfast. We left the house without eating breakfast, thinking we'd get something at Starbucks. Starbucks, which we LUV, has been advertising "Perfect Oatmeal," to which you can add raisins, brown sugar, or nuts. It looks good in the pic and comes in a decently sized cup.

What is handed to me is this, a soupy lukewarm mess that only fills up the cup half-way:

I try to eat it, like a good girl, but I can't do it. I finally go back up to the counter and ask the barrista if he can microwave it for about a minute. He takes the cup but, instead of microwaving it, he holds it under the hot water nozzle and starts to pour more water into the cup. "Oh, no," I say (and I'm being nice the whole time). "It's already too runny!" Apparently, they don't HAVE a microwave at this Starbucks. He offers to give me a fresh cup. He doesn't put as much water into the new cup so it's slightly thicker -- but it's still pretty crappy.

Since I felt gypped and dissatisfied, when I got to work I did an oatmeal "do-over." My building has a cafeteria where you can get breakfast and lunch. The oatmeal is always the proper thickness, and you can add raisins, nuts, or brown sugar for free. Cheap and hearty. This is more like it. Notice how the spoon is standing up to testify to the thickness of this oatmeal:

Now, entering the cafeteria, I'd had to walk around a guy who was talking on his cell phone in the doorway. Not too bothered by his cell phone usage -- the cafeteria is always noisy -- but WAS somewhat disturbed to witness him, a man in a business suit, in a very public place, reaching down to GRAB HIS CROTCH. Guess he needed to adjust something ... didn't think anyone would be looking his way? Not something one likes to see at work.

My junk email today included THIS gem: "Don't settle for a small tool in your pants."

I'm not saying the day degenerated from there, but my morning irritation took a long time to go away.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Back to work

I'm pledging to be calm this morning on the commute in. Will not get upset, no matter what. That means be prepared for SOMETHING to happen that I wasn't expecting to happen. I think that's why I get mad. I have expectations of how people should behave, and I have to keep lowering these expectations.

It was a long, busy weekend, starting with the wedding on Saturday morning and Paddles on Saturday night, with a bike ride in between. Sunday we went out for coffee, I rode my bike, went out with a friend who needed to talk, then went to a meeting of my support group. Yesterday, I went to the city for a doctor's appointment in the morning, shopped (bought two new coats, one for fall, one for winter!), came home and did laundry, rode my bike again, then went to another meeting. I've needed them lately...

While I was doing laundry yesterday I finally had time to watch Erica Scott's new video, "When Danny Met Erica." It has a really hard hairbrush spanking that had me asking, "WHEN is she going to apologize?" I would have been screaming my apologies if I got a hairbrush spanking like that. The belting scene was good, too. Erica's tough and doesn't react too quickly, but you could see in her facial expressions that Danny was getting through to her. I've played with Danny at Shadow Lane parties and it's fun seeing someone you've played with play with others -- who may or may not react differently. Go buy the video; the scenes are hot!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Diet rant

I just wanted to say I hate dieting. And I'm really not trying to "diet," I'm trying to "eat right," exercise, and "adopt a healthy lifestyle." But who's kidding who? I want to snack, I want ice cream, I want my "healthy" Sun Chips and Soy Crisps; I don't want to have to THINK about what I'm eating.

I don't want to have to take time out of my day to exercise, either. And it's a pain in the ass keeping up with clean workout clothes when you don't have a washer and dryer in your home. (Over the years, I think this has been my number one excuse for not going to the gym.)

Once I TAKE the time, I love exercise. It makes me feel strong, it gives me a nice endorphin rush. Yesterday the gym was closed in our office building, so I took a nice walk down alongside Morningside Park. It's a hilly neighborhood there, and there are hills in the park itself, so a series of stone steps lead down into the park from Morningside Drive. I walked for about 25 minutes and then ended by with going down a long set of stairs and back up; it was 137 stairs so at the end I was breathing pretty heavily -- but it felt good.

I always have this nagging voice inside me that says, "Yeah, you're doing good NOW, but you won't keep it up! It's only been three weeks." This doesn't feel natural for me. I was telling Rad, my weight seems to hover around a particular number no matter what I do. It's like my body will accept a weight loss, but then will eventually move back up to where it started. I know, I know -- it WON'T move back up if I keep doing what I'm doing. But I don't know if I can do this all the time. I don't have to say no to ice cream for the rest of my life, do I?

I guess there has to be a point where I look at it from a more practical side. I feel physically better if I don't eat fatty foods or sugary snacks. My digestion is better, my mood is better (I really do get depressed after I eat a lot of sugar, it changes my mood), and my energy level is higher.

Okay. That's all well and good, but, dammit, who am I kidding? I want thinner legs and more toned arms by the next Shadow Lane party! Having extra energy and being stronger, of course, won't hurt either.

Friday, October 10, 2008


Not much of a blog today. I feel a bit sad and worn down as the week comes to a close. I was listening to Joe Strummer earlier on my i-Pod, which helped my mood, but I've been listening to ANYTHING on my i-Pod these days just to tune out the world. There's nothing else I can do. I can't STOP other people's bad behavior. But in most cases I don't have to listen to it; sit there and stew.

There were a couple of guys talking trash to a woman on the downtown 1 train Wednesday, after I left work. I couldn't tell if she welcomed their attention or if she was frozen with fear. They certainly didn't seem like nice guys. They were over the top loud, spewing foul, occasionally misogynistic language (by this I mean very disgusting graphic sexual talk about what they'd do to her or some other woman -- this is a come-on?). They were shouting. The very next stop, I got up and moved to the next car. They frightened me. They were way too close, and acting way too crazy.

On the QM1A the bus driver got belligerent with me. I had politely requested he turn down his radio, which I could hear all the way in the back of the bus. He coldly said, "No. I don't want to." I was shocked. He started ranting that he didn't need to let me on his bus. I did get mad back and some words were exchanged wherein he accused me of giving him an attitude. I calmed down as much as possible, wrote his name and bus number down, and today I put in a complaint about him. It's one thing to put up with rude fellow commuters, but a nasty driver who's a bully? Turns out he was on break (so why was he letting people on the bus? And why didn't he say, "Sorry, I'm on a little break, I'll turn it down when we get moving.")

I hate NY right now. I KNOW I need to work on acceptance, and I am doing MUCH better. I have to pick my battles better. I simply thought I was making a legitimate request to someone reasonable, never expected him to fly off the handle at me.

Tomorrow we're going to a family wedding in Connecticut. No one in my f'ing conservative clan better say a word about politics. I might blow. Okay, I promise to try not to.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

"I'll be good" vs. "OK, that's enough"

I mentioned yesterday that I played with J. (of J. and L.), and that L. was watching while we played on Saturday night. I had been watching them play earlier, because he's a hard player and they're fun to watch.

I think she can take it harder than me, but L. doesn't seem submissive to me. Maybe that's not something she displays much in public, or maybe she's simply not submissive. I tend to get submissive during some scenes, especially, of course, during harder scenes. I'll say, "Yes, Sir," and "No, Sir."

I might brat SOME, but if the dom takes the bait (as J. did on Saturday) and ramps it up a few notches, I'll go back to submitting. That strapping he gave me REALLY hurt. I tried to focus on my breathing and take the pain, but it was hard. He finally got me to the point where I felt like I couldn't take much more. In a submissive head space, I have a hard time asking a dom to stop. Instead, I'll usually start to babble, "I'll be good ... I'll be good ... I'll be good!"

The dom can then begin to wrap things up (he may tell me I have to take ten or twenty final strokes), OR he may choose to get really mean and say, "Oh, I KNOW you'll be good -- but we're not done yet, Young Lady."

I talked to L. afterward. She had commented that she couldn't "take" a flogging (J. had been using his flogger on my bottom pretty harshly), and that the strapping that followed looked very severe. (I thought what I'd seen HER take looked harder). But I told her it WAS hard, and that I'd finally had to tell J. "I'll be good." She said she never says that. She just turns around and says, "Okay! That's enough!"

It's funny how one bottom can take the same amount of pain that I do, maybe even more, but remains in control and simply decides when to stop. Oh, yes, I'll end a scene if it's going wrong. Or I'll push a top to go harder, if I need it. But in general, I don't like to be the one deciding when the scene ends.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Sore all over

I am feeling sore (in a good way) today. Part of that is from my workouts, I intensified things last week -- ran on the treadmill on Friday and today, did my push-ups and some reverse push-ups; and rode my bike Saturday and Sunday. And part of that is from the spankings, strappings, and paddlings I was given on Saturday night at Paddles.

I said I needed a good thrashing, and I got several. Rad started me off with a hard OTK hand spanking, but quickly switched to his straps -- he had several different kinds. The thin one is pretty hard to take.

Then I played with my friend John, whom I hadn't seen in a long time, and he hand-spanked and paddled me. My friend Matthew was out at the club, too. I wanted to play with him, but I keep hesitating because he's such a hard player and I'm afraid I won't be able to take it. I need to talk to him about my fears -- one of those things where you want it but you don't feel ready... But soon. Definitely soon.

I did get a very satisfying spanking, flogging, and strapping by J. of J. and L. fame. They're a fun couple who come pretty frequently for the OTK nights and some of the other NY-area parties. L. likes to talk, and while J. was punishing me, I could hear her giving a running commentary to some others who were watching our scene. J. had already given me quite a bit and was going to stop, but I KNEW I needed more, so I just HAD to do it. I couldn't help it; I had to brat: "When is my spanking going to start?"

"Ohhhh!" he said, with an evil laugh. "That's it!" The gloves were off, he made me bend over a horse and he really gave it to me then. Oooooh!!! Wow. It was one of those "light-hearted-yet-strict" sessions.

Later, Rad punished me again. He got nice and nasty with me, too, which was hot. Grabbed my hair, slapped my face a little. Pushed me back down hard when I started to struggle. Damn!

I was not in the mood to top at all on Saturday night. The guys will have to wait for another night.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Just did my pushups...

And the bike is about to come out of the corner.

I'm back on track with exercise. I was up to 60 push-ups a day, plus 50 "reverse" push-ups (that works the backs of your arms) every day, AND running and/or serious hill walking on the treadmill, at least three times a week. I got off track after our car accident, where I suffered minor back and neck pain for several weeks. That was a long time ago, now. Almost five months. I've been better and feeling good for quite a while, and all I've done is some push ups here and there (a few times a week), walking several times a week, plus the exercise I get when I put a bad boy over my knee and spank him. That doesn't happen often enough, unfortunately.

There's no excuse now; I need to get serious.

The last two weeks, I've exercised half an hour every day except one, and have done 50 push-ups every day except one. I was on vacation do did not go crazy putting dietary rules on myself. But starting tomorrow, Sunday, I'm also back on track with my diet. Healthy breakfast, no sugary snacks, no fried foods, no snacking between meals except fruits or veggies, no eating after dinner, salads for lunch, no red meat. I think the hardest part is the snacking between meals. We already have pretty good habits as far as not eating at night.

I recently joined Todd & Suzy's diet group on Yahoo. I'm hoping this will help with motivation. Oh, and Rad has agreed to punish me for violations.

Okay, I was looking for a picture of a reverse pushup and found this crazy video. I don't think I'll be doing THIS workout anytime soon. It will wear you out just watching. She does the reserve push-up about halfway through: