Saturday, October 31, 2009

At peace

Don't have too much time to write; we are getting ready to go to the DomSubFriends' Halloween party at Paddles NYC. I'm going as a nurse, then changing into something else. Hope to have pics later.

The week was stressful. Don't really need to get into the details of why, I'm sure you can all insert your own bad boss/bad work environment/too much stress story here. Friday was particularly trying and I was in such a bad mood that I wanted to skip out on the invite we'd gotten to a house party in Pa. We were driving Marie, and when I got down to the Starbucks where I was meeting her and Rad, I said, "I just can't do it. I'm going to be miserable."

They had coffees that they'd ordered while waiting for me. Rad said, "Go get a coffee and relax for a few minutes; you'll feel better." I said, "I doubt it," but went and got a decaf Cafe Americana. Starbucks was nearing closing time and they were going to throw stuff out. The barrista said to me, "Would you like a yogurt?" I love the Starbucks Greek yogurt parfaits and there were a few of those there for the taking. I brightened and said, "Sure! Thanks!"

It's amazing how such a small gesture can help. I felt happier enough to agree to join them at the party. It was a spanking party and I knew I could get my fix. Will write more details later, but I did get what I needed: spanking, belting, paddling, caning, and a very hard strapping.

Today I met most of my goals including exercise. I feel so much better. More on this later.

Friday, October 30, 2009

I'm blaming Richard Windsor...

smooth jeans
photo has nothing to do with blog. I just like it.

Dammit, whose brilliant idea was it to create a blog with links to every other f***ing spanking blog or website in the entire f***ing spanking universe? I've been checking out all the blogs for like almost two hours already. I mean come on, I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow after perusing "A Taste of the Birch" and girl's pyjama spanking, and then this fun little page Domestic Discipline Dreams, which hasn't been updated in a while but includes an interactive word search ...

Um, yes, honey, I'm going to bed ... now... I didn't do it! Talk to Richard Windsor.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

What I need is a muse...

... to cure my writer's block. Or maybe just a good role model. How about this one:

Real blog to come later...

Monday, October 26, 2009

Smacked back to reality

(Long sigh). I'm grabbing my last few sips of coffee, my last few checks on email, before shutting down and heading over to work. My first day back after a nice relaxing week off. I didn't take a "real" vacation but instead caught up on doctor appointments, visited my family, then went to Baltimore to visit SL friends, as already mentioned here.

I am feeling energetic about everything but work, which is NOT good. Not that I'm required to feel great about work, but I must now shift gears and I don't want to...

At least I was able to meditate this morning -- or, my version of that, which is sitting on the couch not doing anything for a few minutes, with one cat next to me and the other on my lap. If I allow myself this time, it always puts me into a better head space.

I feel good, for once, in the writing department. I have not completed my three daily pages, but I did work on my plot and character development for my novel. Onward and upward...

Hope everyone has a good Monday.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Finish the damn story already

Again, the self-doubt? Again, the avoidance? I'm blogging right now because I don't care to face the fiction piece I started two days ago. It was a hot fantasy when I started. Self-critic now stands on my shoulder taunting me: That's stupid. That's a cliché.

(Distraction: Why does my dictionary not recognize "cliche" without an accent? How do I insert an accented word into my blog? Fail. Cut and paste instead. What IS that accent mark called? 10-minutes search -- it's called an "accent mark," apparently.)

The critic is now mocking me because I'm wasting time. OK. Focus. What is the topic of this blog? Telling the story. Getting the words onto the page and editing later. I promise to finish the fantasy today. If not this morning, then later on the bus back to New York.

Side note: my friends used some bizarre hard-wood "goat-herding" stick, a gift they'd gotten from someone who'd gone to Kenya, to whack me last night. It was about a foot and a half, maybe two feet at most, thicker than a cane, with a round wooden knob on one end. If I can get a picture I'll add it later.

(Distraction -- 10-minute online search for Kenyan goat-herding stick picture: FAIL. Did find THIS interesting phrase during my search: "If words are not enough, she simply takes the herding stick and treats you like a dog!" from a blog called "Happy Heeler." Strange.)

OK, so where was I. Oh yes, I was being "beaten" by this awesome thuddy toy (as well as spanked) last night and went to bed a happy girl. Sometimes I do NOT need discipline. Sometimes I just need a little pain, a little TLC, all leading to that warm fuzzy feeling.

But warm fuzzy time is over now and I must hunker down and work. Where is that goat-herding stick? Time to beat my self-critic until she shuts the f*** up already. Oh, and time to shut down my distractor as well.

Bonus: tasty treat from The Daily Toast.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The pain of writing

This weekend I'm visiting friends in Md., our good friends J. and D., and their three kids. Like me, D. is a writer, and as it nears the end of October once again the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) is upon us. This happens in November, and is a challenge to write a 50,000-word novel in one month. I know, that sounds formidable, but it comes down to about three typed pages per day.

In the past week, that's become my goal -- three typed pages per day. A certain "conversation" last Saturday with a certain NYtop has inspired me ... I had not been writing, and I had no real excuse.

When D. reminded me of NaNoWriMo, I got a little surge of excitement and ambition. "I can do it this month!" I thought. "I can!" There's a kick-off party/lunch tomorrow that I'm attending (D. is the host). I did this challenge once before, in 2006. I don't think there is much that can be salvaged from that attempt, but I did write, I had a story, and I reached 50,000 words.

"Try" is an awful word. My dilemma is a huge surge of negativity that wants me to give up before I've even begun. The stories that come to mind the easiest are spanking or S&M stories -- mostly kinky, dark stories -- sometimes a lesbian fantasy -- have come out every day this week except Monday, and my vanilla writing that day was boring the shit out of me.

As opposed to using that bad word "try" I think I can commit to a promise that I'll write every day. I must first meditate for 10, 15 minutes to push that negative energy down and replace it with positive energy. Then to accept the following about myself: 1) I do have a story to tell. 2) What seems boring and too like real-life tediousness may be intriguing to someone else. 3) it's okay to write a spanking, BDSM, lesbian/bi/gay novel if that's what comes out. I will strive to make it different from other things I've read.

My ultimate goal is to be published, I suppos. Sometimes it's hard to write because I begin to imagine the critics who will be reading and judging my story. Not a legitimate reason for not writing. Criticism and/or praise comes later. This is just between me and the computer, for now.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

"Other" pain

I've been having a weird experience lately with pain that's not kink-related -- the pain that's not supposed to be "good pain," such as needles at the doctor's office or dental work. I used to think that this was completely different from the pain I accepted during an intense scene.

But now I'm sometimes reacting differently. This all started when I got my tattoo recently. I don't do needle play; it's never been my kink. But I wanted a tattoo so I figured I'd just grit my teeth and deal with the pain somehow. I NEVER expected to get high off it the way I did. My friend actually asked me if I was OK to drive.

This week I had to get allergy tests, where they stick about 25 different allergens just under the skin of both upper arms. They all hurt, not to an excruciating degree but enough. Again, I just wanted to witness and process that pain instead of turning away.

I also wonder if I'm developing some weird medical fetish wherein the doctor, the "medical authority," becomes simply "authority" ... AKA "dom."

At times when I've had a hard time with medical or dental pain, I've imagined my dom standing in the doorway watching me and telling me to be good... It serves as a distraction for a little while. But the idea of the doctors and nurses themselves being the doms is more exciting.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Spank or be spanked!

We are off to the Strictly Spanking New York party. Full report to come later.

Oh, and here's what I made: Oreo Truffles:
oreo truffles 1
Do they look good or what?

Halloween t-shirt from the Onion that I liked:
haunt the fuck

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Like stars against blackness

I broke free and uttered the forbidden words; "Please!" and "No," and somehow found myself curled up on the bed crying, "Why? Why? Why?"

Why? Because that's what he wanted to do to me. He wanted to hurt me this way. Why? Because I wanted him to. I didn't want him to relent, to back down. My body fought it; my mind struggled to overcome my body's resistance.

"All right, dear," he finally said, oh, so patiently. "I need you to get back into position. Up on your knees. Head down. Spread your knees further apart. Good girl. You have a few more strokes coming, and you're going to have to take them."

("Why?") Yet I obeyed. I spread my legs as I pushed my face into the bedspread. I could not guarantee that I could keep quiet. He struck. A nanosecond later I cried out. The pain shot through me and I shook as I accepted it.

Sometimes the pain is a flash of hot yellow light. Today it was sparkling gold glitter, like stars against a black sky. My fear collided with my desire, and as he struck again I could not tell which was stronger. I wanted him to overcome me, take me down, break me.

It was only a matter of minutes. He struck again...

Monday, October 12, 2009

It's delurkful

The full scoop is over at My Bottom Smarts, where Bonnie is inviting readers to post comments, especially if they read a blog regularly but have never commented on it before. (By the way, Bonnie ALREADY had nine comments and it's barely past Midnight!)

I'd certainly like to hear from people who have read MY blog and never commented. I'm going to put the word out on my other blog as well (

OK (don't know if this will actually help or not) I'll ask a question and you can delurk over it: Q: What do you think I should write about next and why?
a) spanking/bdsm/scene
b) food, diet or exercise
c) what I saw on my way to work

Bonus blog -- "Uh, nice cookies, I think..."

"I know of the magical powers contained in those anthropomorphic carrots and cauliflowers ..."

Found on Family values fans will be mildly amused. Nom nom nom!

"Perfect for mental and physical stimulation"

This weekend was amazing. I got to discipline three bad boys, one of whom met me at Paddles and got his butt kicked big time (hey, HE asked for it)! We had an audience for a little while, but I think we might have scared them away when things started to get rough. People -- spankings are supposed to hurt!

Yesterday, Sunday, I got to indulge my other side. My friend D. from Philadelphia, a disciplinarian with whom I've played many times over the years, was giving me some website/computer advice -- I was paying him for a consultation.

He decided to throw in a "freebie" and whip my ass as well. I still don't quite understand what that had to do with my website ... or maybe he was simply supplying me with "fresh content."

Anyway, he seemed to think I needed it, for some odd reason. (Why would anyone ever get that impression from me?) He had a bunch of long wooden dowels and used them to cane me until each of them broke. Then he used a nasty thick riding crop that felt more like a paddle (used fast and furiously -- he had me sobbing). Finally, he used the FCT, also known as the "F***ing Cat Toy."

I have written of this item from hell before. It is a polyurethane "cat toy" that's worse than a cane - and never breaks. (Looks kind of like this:

When you click on the Petco product page, there's an interesting description: "... perfect for mental and physical stimulation--it keeps them alert, agile and healthy ..." How did they know?

After all these years, the FCT still has the fuzzy mouse dangling off the end. And after D. finished thrashing me, while I was very gingerly pulling up my pants, he had the nerve to go out in the hall and tease his cat with it! That's just wrong on so many levels.

I am sitting very tenderly today, but I'm in a good head space. Now, I must go get some errands done before I completely waste this nice day off.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Out sick

Picture has nothing to do with blog. I just love Johnny Depp in those glasses.

I took a sick day today. I rarely do this, and I've got lots of days available that I could use before the end of the year. We just finished sending the magazine to press, and I'm ahead with the next issue, so it was actually the perfect day to call out.

I am not going to go crazy, either, "using the day to catch up on errands." We DO need laundry done, and the cat litter changed, but that might be it. A walk, perhaps?. See comment below on weight issues.

On a side note, I continue to be depressed. For starters, about the state of our apartment. I need a maid, a decorator, a professional organizer, a backhoe ... I do my best at tossing junk mail as soon as it arrives. The charities that I've committed to keep sending more and more mail. I save these because I want to give, but I can't send a checks before I check and see how much I've already given this year, which is another project I can't get to right now, and so this goes on the stack of "later."

I've got four movie passes in an envelope ... somewhere on my desk; in a bag; in a drawer ... damned if I know! I hope they appear soon. I want to go to the movies and I've already paid.

I have to call my shrink and schedule an appointment to renew a prescription. I've been putting this off for ages because I'm nervous around him and ... not that I don't trust him, but I always get the feeling with shrinks that they don't delve deeply enough into the issues before prescribing. Based on my own experience, I definitely need my primary medication (anti-depressant) but I remain uncertain about ADD meds. I want to ask him for a more thorough diagnosis. I have a book here with a test, which I will take ... soon. Another item on the "later" stack.

Oh, yes. I'm also depressed because I've gained five pounds. How is this possible? I'm declaring myself off-diet today. I think I will stop logging my food for one month, eat whatever I think I need to eat, and see how that works at the end of the month. I'm very angry with my body right now. It won't do as it's told.