Sunday, May 31, 2009

Nonconsensual bondage

A blog of little consequence...

We went shopping today for some last minute items for the party. Our friendly neighborhood Kohl's usually has reasonably priced clothes that we like and I often find a good selection of petite items. I also needed shoes and sneakers. Kohl's clothing department is fine; their shoe department is another story. Actually, it tends to be a nightmare, trying to find my size. God forbid they carry a shoe I like in a 7-1/2 wide. If I REALLY like it and it's comfortable enough, I'll buy the size 8, but it's not ideal.

The shoes -- no luck (I found a nice pair later, at Payless Shoes). But some of the Nikes were on sale at Kohls and I wanted to try THESE on.

Often the matching shoes are attached together by a little string, which I can easily break. And I always break it. If they want me to buy shoes, they shouldn't make trying them on so difficult. (Just like my belief that if they want me to buy clothes, they shouldn't limit the number I can bring into the dressing room, or they should make it a more reasonable limit than 3 or 5.)

But suddenly the Powers That Be were on to me. They were now using plastic tie wraps that I couldn't break or remove. We didn't have a pocketknife handy, so Rad volunteered to try to break it with the sharp edge of a key. I was nervous that this would somehow be an arrestable offense. I'd always justified breaking the string because it could easily have happened by accident. But cutting the plastic tie would be a deliberate act.

So, I bitched and moaned and TRIED to walk in the sneakers to see if I liked them. Rad suggested I look for a store employee. I passed on dealing with a surly underpaid wage slave. There was no way. I was hobbled. I could only move my feet a few inches at a time.

Sad. Of course I started clowning around, acting like a monster with my hands stuck out in front of me as I shuffled. It was fun. Other customers stared blankly. Rad pretty much ignored me, and shortly thereafter abandoned me and my shoe quest to go over to Starbucks.

I did eventually find a pair of 7-1/2 wides, they had no plastic ties binding them together, and I was able to test them properly. Kohl's squeaked through and made the sale! Oh, and I bought two new pretty dresses for FMS and for the summer.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman...

The things we have to think about and get ready before we go to a party. On top of the school uniform that I mentioned yesterday, there are just certain things that most men simply don't have to worry about when attending a big party like Florida Moonshine. Like:

Getting a pedicure...

Having to hand-wash all the delicate underthings...

And suffering through ... well, I'll let you guess what this is ...

But you know, it is ALL worth it! Five days ... I think I need my butt kicked big time.

Friday, May 29, 2009

I don't WANT to go!

Don't make me go to school! The teachers are so mean to me!

Okay, I was trying on school uniforms on Wednesday and starting goofing around with silly cell phone self-portraits -- Just thought I'd share one. I'm preparing for Florida Moonshine, where they will be having the "FMS Academy" session on Saturday morning; we must be "properly" attired. One friend who owns a lot of authentic school uniforms loaned me a bunch to try on and to borrow for the party -- I'm leaning toward the jumper in this picture.

I have to work on my scared/pain face if I'm going to make another movie. Problem is I'm USUALLY scared and in pain when I'm getting a hard spanking or strapping. But I tend to grimace a lot, which ends up looking like a smile, so it doesn't convey quite the right emotion. On camera, if I focus on my facial expression, it may end up taking me out of my head space. But if that means the spanking hurts MORE, I might not have to worry about a "pain face." I WAS asked to come back and do another film with Southeastern Woodshed, and now I'm threatened with a paddling and bath brushing. Yikes! For such a good girl? What did I do to deserve that?

The picture above also reflects my mood these days in thinking about work. I sometimes really do want to throw a tantrum rather than deal with the nonsense they hand us there. Constantly feels like more and more stuff to do in spite of having fewer people to do it. Yet despite of working my ass off to meet deadlines (working late and/or taking work home most evenings), I'm hearing: "You need better time management."

I still like my supervisor. Last week she was on my case too much, but things have calmed down. Now she's been pushing me into more of a decision-making role. I don't know if I WANT that, but it will be good for my future with the company, and I think I'll get promoted in the near future. More money is always good.

Better get moving. Clock is ticking.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Just wanted to announce

The trailer for the film I made with Southeastern Woodshed is now available.

I'd love for people to join the group and check it out. It was my first movie! Ms. Holly, who runs the group, is a very good disciplinarian, and on top of that, she's HOT!

Can't wait to play with her again...

I'm going to post a real blog later.


Sunday, May 24, 2009

Everything hurts...

Feel like I'm aching from head to toe. Between Rad and Scott, I got enough strapping last night to last me for ... oh, maybe until Florida Moonshine. My butt is raw! It feels kind of tingly as I sit on it and write this morning. I'm not complaining. I was high all night after my punishments.

But now comes the hangover from "imbibing": Whatever position I was in last night, my back is now hurting as well. On top of that I've got a sinus headache from the overcast weather. I don't like popping painkillers for any little reason, but I think perhaps I need to take two ibuprofen this morning.

There wasn't a huge crowd at Paddles last night. That was probably because it was Memorial Day weekend. However, there was a tight group of the people I like to play with. I missed playing with Mike from Pennsylvania (I wanted to, but after Scott I was pretty much done). Instead, I got some vicarious pleasure out of watching and listening to Mike, Scott and Rad punish other naughty girls. When you're sitting at the bar area and it's not too crowded or noisy, you can often hear -- drifting down from the loft --- the scolding tones of a top and the repentant cries of a bad girl as she gets her comeuppance. The cries are often louder than the sound of whatever is being used on her bottom.

It was titillating to walk into the back room of the club and witness Jules, Miranda (Scott's wife) and girlfriend K. from Delaware standing in a semi-circle around the padded bench, their skirts up and their bare bottoms exposed. They were bent over getting paddled by Scott, one after the other. Knowing how hard Scott plays, I do believe those yelps and cries were legitimate... oh! And I just remembered that Scott paddled me, too, as part of my punishment.

I have to go spank a naughty boy this morning in the city, and then we are heading to Pennsylvania for a barbecue. Scene friends are hosting, but vanilla family will be skulking about, so there probably won't be any play. We have to remember to use their real names, LOL!

Happy long weekend, everyone!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

15 minutes

I need to blog, so I'm just going to go for it. 15 minutes, off the top of my head, we'll see what comes up.

First, I'm so happy we have a long weekend, which happens to include a bonus OTK night (tonight) at Paddles. I think I am bringing my canes; maybe there will be a nice appealing sub who wants to submit to a good caning. Meanwhile, I'm still feeling the aftermath of Ms. Holly's caning from last week, and can't WAIT to play with her again.

The week went so fast, with activities nearly every night. Wednesday, I had to stay at work late and was VERY disgusted about it because it meant canceling my therapy appointment. My therapist gave me a break and didn't charge me for the last-minute cancellation. Ugh. I left the office feeling guilty and upset with myself, because, of course, it all MUST BE my fault, I have poor time management, I don't work quickly enough, I get distracted...

Woke up Thursday morning, sat and meditated for a while, and came to the conclusion that it was NOT all my fault. In fact, very little of it is my fault -- I am working my butt off there and overcoming some very difficult and ridiculous obstacles they insist on putting in our paths. Not the least of which is a manager who can't let go of day-to-day minutiae and, as a result of her meddling, holds the process up EVERY SINGLE MONTH. She may know basic grammar, but she has yet to learn the style sheet and she sure as shit doesn't know the meaning of a deadline!

I met all my deadlines and it was a relief to get out of there on Friday a little early. Met new scene friends T. and J. out in Jersey for dinner, and then gave J. (the male half of the couple) a very hard spanking. What is it with stoic males? I thought I was paddling the heck out of him and his reaction was a bare murmur. Thank god he at least yelped a little from one or two of the implements I used. T., his girlfriend, is a cute young switch with a nice butt for spanking. i don't know if she wishes to be identified here so will refrain from that for the moment. But I liked the dinner, conversation, and play.

Got back to Queens very late and I still had to get in a half-hour workout. I already missed one workout day this week, and I'm only allowed to miss one, so I was under the gun. Some of you know that my diet and workout dom, Scott, will give me 10 with the Family Strap when I screw up. I don't like the Family Strap. I already earned 10 and I don't want to earn more. So, I worked out before bed. This morning I rode my bike for half an hour and did weight training when I got back. So I'm good up till now, no punishment for this week as long as I don't screw up on Sunday.

I do need to play tonight. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to bottom again but it may depend upon who shows up at Paddles. The OTK party starts at 6 p.m. instead of 7 this time, so we get an hour extra to play. If Scott comes out, maybe we can deal with my violation tonight. I don't want it, but I DO want it to be over with.

I haven't been blogging much lately but I have been writing a lot in my notebook on the train. More fiction and fantasy writing is emerging. A new dad/mom/bad daughter fantasy is nearly complete. Also, for some reason a Girl/girl story flowed out of my pen over the last couple of days. Hoping to have both done within the next week.

That's 15 minutes. Going to take a nap so I have some energy tonight!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Something new and exciting!

I was flattered to be asked to participate in what was my first-ever discipline video (at least for the public's eyes) today. I had the pleasure of finally meeting Ms. Holly, the dominant in charge; Switch Lydia; and some other terrific ladies who took part in the filming today for Southeastern Woodshed. Also present was Tori, who did the still photos and was an assistant, and good friend B., who's helping produce much of these shoots.

I thought it went rather well. Ms. Holly was everything I had heard. Very severe, very attentive to detail, and no-nonsense. She's also very pretty and, when not administering justice, is just a nice person. A good writer, too, from what I've seen so far...

I had been sent to Ms. Holly for discipline for an offense that we did not discuss on camera. Following orders, upon arrival to her suite, I removed my schoolgirl outfit, leaving only bra, garter, stockings and Mary Janes. I then placed my hands on the coffee table, bent, and prepared myself as best I could.

My disciplinarian entered the room and immediately ordered me to spread my legs further, as they were not to her liking. She told me to arch my back, stick my bottom out, and keep my head up. There was not much to say, as I knew I had earned this chastisement. All I could do was accept it. As soon as she was satisfied with my positioning, she picked up a long, nasty, doubled leather belt and began to methodically strap my bottom with it. No warm up, not many words, just a hard belting while I maintained position for her. I was soon crying out from pain. The strokes were on target and each one hurt.

This went on for some time. How many strokes? Unknown. At some point she began to give me sets of 20 and ordered me to count. I cannot remember HOW many sets of 20 there were--three, maybe four. I had taken my glasses off for filming so was able to avoid "accidentally" looking into the camera.

The cane came next, an implement with which I've maintained a love/hate relationship for several years. I was instructed to stay in position. My legs and my lower back were beginning to feel the ache, but I wanted to be obedient and not put up too much of a fuss. It was sharp, cutting, maybe not the worst I've ever received but no walk in the park. She barked at me several times for lowering my head or moving my butt, and I managed to get back into position as quickly as possible before she decided to punish me further. (The dreaded, "Now we're going to start over"? No way!)

As with the belt, I had to count several batches of cane strokes, saying, "Thank you, Ma'am," after each count. At times it was difficult, after a harsh stroke, to get the words out, but of course I did. I'm not a big fan of counting. I am a big fan of being made to follow orders--so I counted.

And then we were done. I stayed in placed until I heard the camera man quietly say, "cut." Stretching, long drink of water, and then back into position for some still shots.

Whew. Will probably write more about this later. I had some thoughts in my notebook earlier about my FEELINGS about doing this. I'll try to share...

Saturday, May 16, 2009

I promised

Said I would write a blog tonight, and it's in my notebook ready to go but it's simply too late now. I mean really, really late. We went to dinner with friends, watched a movie, got home and I HAD to respond to emails. Hour and a half later... what happened? Yikes! I have too much to do this weekend for such nonsense.

Saturday afternoon, a certain bad boy's going to get it. Sunday, as I've reported earlier, I'M going to get it. Somewhere in the middle of all that I MUST go shopping and try to get with my support group.

Hope everyone's having a good weekend. Oh, we MAY be at the Manhattan Spanking Association party after all tomorrow night. Maybe I'll see some of you there.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Harmless (only mildly obnoxious) self-indulgence

So I've been Twittering lately and one of the things I figured out how to do was to send updates to my blog. I honestly don't know what purpose this serves except to indulge my need to express a random thought (kind of like a muttering homeless person, in a way, but electronic).

I took the indulgence to an extreme while I was getting a Brazilian tonight and yes, I sent a couple "Tweets" right in the middle of things. The cosmetologist (or is the correct term "esthetician"?) was quite amused. She asked, out of curiosity, why I was getting waxed, and I told her the truth -- I'm going to be making a movie on Sunday and might have to be naked. I wasn't as brave as I might have been. I did NOT tell her that I would probably be caned quite hard, among other things. Also, I said, I would probably be going to an S&M party soon and might be at least partially naked there as well.

How the filming got set up: a man that I've played with a few times had a female pro-domme friend, Miss Holly, who wants to get some clips together for her web site. They asked me and some others to come film with them. Miss Holly heard that I can take a good caning, which she said she looks forward to. (She said that none of the other girls wanted to be caned -- naturally, my ego reared its ugly head

I've had several friends offer to do photo shoots of me recently, and since I'm already an exhibitionist slut, why the heck not? I'm planning to debut my new web site soon and I need the new pics. Plus, I look fabulous and might as well do it now while I'm still young and hot. Of course I do realize I'm not that young and hot, but when I'm 70 and still going to parties, I can always look back and say, "hey, I may not be young and hot now, but I looked pretty good then!" At which point Rad will take out his teeth and throw them at me.

Truth is I do feel some fear about this movie, and hope I can take what she dishes out. When I read a few of the stories posted on her web site, I started to get nervous

Monday, May 4, 2009

In which a brush with death leads to a completely turned around life

Um ... yeah...

It has been one year since our car accident, in which Rad and I flipped over on the Long Island Expressway. Life goes on, and there's been SO much that has happened since then that it now is just a blip on the memory radar. Rad lost his brother in January. Then his mom had a fall, and she now requires live-in supervision. These have been major life events over the past few months and it's been a huge emotional roller coaster. (Any wonder why I like to go play so often?)

But this time last year, our rollover that Saturday night seemed monumental, a miracle that we walked away (and it STILL may have been a miracle; who's to say?). I was going to change my life, start doing things I'd been putting off, start calling friends I hadn't been so good at calling, go to more meetings of my support group, be a better person all around.

How well have I done? -- I suppose there have been some improvements but of course there is still so much more I could do better. I STILL hate making phone calls, I love to isolate, I am NOT always a nice person and I'm lonely sometimes simply because a lot of people just piss me off, or we're on different wavelengths, and I don't want to be around them.

Thank god these are generally temporary feelings and I snap out of it, go and find the people who make me feel good, the ones who I assume like being around me as much as I like being around them. At scene parties lately, I've spent more time getting to know women, going beyond the surface of our kinky common interest to the inner people who make up our world. I don't mean to sound sappy and corny here, but it is a wonderful feeling to have just a handful of good friends. This includes some males in the scene, in completely nonsexual ways (all right, is it ever "completely" non-sexual?).

Ongoing issues ... I do continue to have anxiety, especially at work, but I think my therapy is beginning to make a difference. I'm working on taking responsibility for what I need to take responsibility for, asking for help or instructions when I need them, and asking others to step up and do what they're supposed to do, if this affects MY deadlines.

This morning, it being Monday, I decided that instead of my usual "I'm still in weekend mode, don't bother me" attitude, I was going to start off gangbusters, make a to-do list and just get to it. I got a LOT done and I was happy with myself. I'm so often not happy with myself, so this is progress. I'll keep aiming for that "completely turned around life," but in the meantime I'm trying to accept who I am NOW, flaws and all.