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Monday, May 4, 2009

In which a brush with death leads to a completely turned around life

Um ... yeah...

It has been one year since our car accident, in which Rad and I flipped over on the Long Island Expressway. Life goes on, and there's been SO much that has happened since then that it now is just a blip on the memory radar. Rad lost his brother in January. Then his mom had a fall, and she now requires live-in supervision. These have been major life events over the past few months and it's been a huge emotional roller coaster. (Any wonder why I like to go play so often?)

But this time last year, our rollover that Saturday night seemed monumental, a miracle that we walked away (and it STILL may have been a miracle; who's to say?). I was going to change my life, start doing things I'd been putting off, start calling friends I hadn't been so good at calling, go to more meetings of my support group, be a better person all around.

How well have I done? -- I suppose there have been some improvements but of course there is still so much more I could do better. I STILL hate making phone calls, I love to isolate, I am NOT always a nice person and I'm lonely sometimes simply because a lot of people just piss me off, or we're on different wavelengths, and I don't want to be around them.

Thank god these are generally temporary feelings and I snap out of it, go and find the people who make me feel good, the ones who I assume like being around me as much as I like being around them. At scene parties lately, I've spent more time getting to know women, going beyond the surface of our kinky common interest to the inner people who make up our world. I don't mean to sound sappy and corny here, but it is a wonderful feeling to have just a handful of good friends. This includes some males in the scene, in completely nonsexual ways (all right, is it ever "completely" non-sexual?).

Ongoing issues ... I do continue to have anxiety, especially at work, but I think my therapy is beginning to make a difference. I'm working on taking responsibility for what I need to take responsibility for, asking for help or instructions when I need them, and asking others to step up and do what they're supposed to do, if this affects MY deadlines.

This morning, it being Monday, I decided that instead of my usual "I'm still in weekend mode, don't bother me" attitude, I was going to start off gangbusters, make a to-do list and just get to it. I got a LOT done and I was happy with myself. I'm so often not happy with myself, so this is progress. I'll keep aiming for that "completely turned around life," but in the meantime I'm trying to accept who I am NOW, flaws and all.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

yes, even a brush leaves its imprint-and helps remind us of the things we value in our lives...glad that I will see you soon at the beach

Ms. Cassandra (Sandy) Park said...

And boy do I know how a brush leaves its imprint... hey, I'm glad I'll see you, too, I think ... who is this?

Anonymous said...

Sandy,
It was quite Providential that you and Rad escaped the accident unscathed. You both have wonderful things to accomplish in your lives, including being a great friend to many of us in the spanko community.
See you two next on the beach!
The "'ole bearman"

Ms. Cassandra (Sandy) Park said...

Yeah, it's going to be a great time.

Anonymous said...

sorry, Sandy, it is Diane from Florida on the first post-I like being anonymous:)

ZED and ginger said...

We don't use brushes often, and when they have been used are one of the few implements that bruise me pretty badly. (and I don't bruise easily!!)

Zed experienced a brush with death in a coal mine years and years ago. He escaped a cave-in by mere milli-seconds, the walls caving in behind him brushing against his body as he scrambled to get out (imagine those movie scenes where, as the person runs away from something it's close enough to touch their shirt!) Looking death in the eye can certainly change the way you view life!! :)

We'll be at FMS too - you must come up and tell me who you are so I can visualize you in person! (I realize I may actually already know you, but not know that this is you writing)

g.

Anonymous said...

ginger - Sandy will be the really cute one LOL!

I think the farther out we get from those brushes, life resumes and sometimes the changes we hoped to incorporate turn out to be harder than we thought. The "brush" can make us think it, but it is our own will-power that makes us DO it.

You looked great, you do have a lot of good things going on, and that you are doing.

Love yourself - we all love you (and your husband too)!

Dolly

Ms. Cassandra (Sandy) Park said...

Zed and Ginger, I keep thinking i have met you, too!

Dolly, miss you.