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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Time for a change

Here's where I write some boring explanation as to why I'm switching blog titles, but there's nothing deeper to say than I got tired of "This Cat is Crazy." Always thought it was kind of a dumb title, I didn't write about my cats as much as I'd planned, and I really want to write about the scene more -- from my perspective as a bottom. (I blog from the top at The Corporal Consultant, www.mscassandrapark.com).

My new blog will simply be called "Sandy's Room." I've already explained over there that the title is an homage to Bruce Springsteen (as my name, "Sandy Park," is). Every Springsteen fan knows the song "Candy's Room."

Hope at least some people who read this blog will read me over there. go to www.sandysroom.wordpress.com

There'll be hidden worlds that shine ...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Shifting

Sandy in LA 112109 7
I can't seem to get a handle on my feelings about bottoming these days. It's left me feeling unsatisfied except with a few, select tops. And because I don't play with those tops that often, it's really hard to accept the pain when I DO.
I guess it's always hard to accept the pain. But it's not as much of a shock when you do it more often. And it's also easier to accept when someone's in an agreed-upon authoritative role over you, AKA, your dom.
For me there are one or two tops who step into that role when I see them, but who don't accept that role in between, so I find myself feeling ignored and resentful. "I don't have a commitment with this guy; why am I taking so much punishment?" The answer (of course, for those of you who know me) is that I need it, must have it, need that release -- but it still leaves me, in between times, floating and unfulfilled.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

What's a spanking party like?

With Florida Moonshine coming up in about two weeks, I've been thinking about writing here about the parties, what happens there and why we spend the money to go. Coincidentally, a dom who's never been to a party wrote me today on FetLife, asking what these events were like. I responded in detail, and I figured I'd recap that here.

The two big parties that Rad and I go to are Shadow Lane and Florida Moonshine. We also attended the debut of the Boardwalk Badness weekend this year in Atlantic City. I've heard that Crimson Moon in Chicago was great and I've also heard good things about the Texas All-State party but we haven't been able to make it to those. Then there was another new one in San Francisco this year, the SF-CP party. I didn't get to that one, either, but it did sound like fun. Ms. Margaret of the Spanking Club of New York (SCONY) has been hosting semi-annual spanking parties for many years in the Poconos.

I'm sure there are others, and if you do know of more, please write and let me know. Those are just the ones I'm familiar with, and this blog is mostly going to explain FMS and SL. I guess you could call them conventions of spankos (or spanking fetishists, as one friend calls it who hates the word "spanko"). Shadow Lane draws between 200 to 300 people.

Florida Moonshine, which is holding its last party this year (sigh), gets I think about 200 people. The hotel tend to be a little more expensive than the Vegas one, but it's a nice hotel right on the beach.

My husband and I go to these parties because we think the people are really great and there are some we only get to see once or twice a year. I tend to have some pretty hot scenes at these parties, too, that I might not be able to experience in NYC.

What officially happens is both events open with a vendor's fair (with an array of finger foods) on Friday night, and both have a banquet where people dress up on Saturday night. SL tends to have some kind of theme for the banquet, like "the 70s" or "Back to School," and a certain percentage of people dress according to the theme. The rest tend to just dress up nicely. Some guys wear tuxes, even -- most just wear suits or slacks and a nice shirt. This is the same at FMS.

After these events conclude for the evening, around 10 p.m., some of the people who've booked suites host parties there. A few of these are by invitation only, but most of them are open to anyone. Naturally, of course, there is private play going on in rooms all over the place, too.

For the rest of the weekend, FMS tends to have more organized events, such as the schoolgirl academy, the Governesses Gala, or the Trivia Contest. FMS also has a hospitality suite that's open for most of the party.

At SL, people are free to do whatever they want. Usually, someone who's attending will organize a smaller, themed party, like what used to be called the Brat's Breakfast but I think morphed into the "Saturday Morning Sisterhood." This is where a lot of the girls get together and have breakfast in their PJs. At some point a "Mystery Spanker" appears and then spankings commence. I'll probably go to a Female tops/male bottoms party at some point at both weekends.

Some people arrive earlier in the week and stay over until Monday. It's relaxing, but the time goes quickly. Will all best intentions, you can't always fit in playing with everyone you want to.

Meeting people is up to each person. I'd suggest newbies go onto FetLife or on the events' message boards or group chats -- if they exist -- and try to learn who's who.

There are mostly spankos at the parties, but some are more into dominance and some spankees are more into submission. Lots of stuff goes on behind closed doors. I love the fact that you can have the privacy to experiment, with the safety of the party around you.

What's also happened to us, over the last few years, is that we're meeting great couples to hang out with. We often arrange to have dinner with two or three other couples and then sometimes we'll do a scene with one other couple. The other husband will spank me and Rad will spank his wife. It's like swinging without the sex, kind of.

I'll update this if I can think of anything else, but that's pretty much it.

Monday, May 17, 2010

My book is now available for sale

front only CoverPreview.do

I'll be vending at the Florida Moonshine and Shadow Lane parties, so you can save on shipping AND get an autographed copy (and possibly a spanking) if you're going to those parties.

Hope everyone had a good weekend. I was visiting my parents in S. Jersey, I'm very tired, but it should be a good week. Now that my first book is a wrap, I'm continuing to write and prepare for the next one.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Why we brat

I started this thread on FetLife yesterday when talking to some of my friends in the Hollywood Spanking Munch and Party group, and figured it was worth cross-posting here.

It struck me yesterday that my default modus operandi is to be a wise ass. You can call it witty banter, bratting, being a SAM (smart-ass masochist), whatever. I admit that I SOMETIMES do it to rile someone up and give him a reason to spank me, OR to push his buttons so he spanks me harder, but I'll also do it with doms who I KNOW don't need any such prompting, as well as with everyday people in the scene and the vanilla world, people I'm not jockeying for position to play with.

And I am starting to realize that it's a knee-jerk, fear-based approach to people. If I share from the heart, people may reject me, so I better do the class clown bit and amuse them instead. The real me may or may not come out eventually.

At every large spanking party I attend like Shadow Lane or Florida Moonshine, I generally do okay in crowds because I'm comfortable "performing" in this manner. Then there's the moment where I just want to run away, and I NEED to be honest and tell someone what I'm feeling.

I might share how I really feel very very unpopular because I haven't been asked to play all day, or that I don't feel attractive enough, or that I'm feeling jealous of someone my husband's playing with. All those "bad" feelings that you aren't supposed to talk about.

I CAN'T open up and share like that most of the time. I have to trust someone before I do, and no one wants to be serious all the time.

Bratting and joking around is part of the fun of parties, too. I generally put my money where my mouth is. And I'll probably always be a SAM.




After several nicely worded responses to my original post, I added, "Oh, yes, I forget: I'm also an attention whore."

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I'll get right on that


It looks like another bleary day out there; I wanted to go for a walk but I couldn't this morning, not in the rain. At lunch time, maybe it will be clearer. I'm at home working today, which is certainly better than being in the office, but there are drawbacks.

For instance, my cat tends to be an attention whore and this makes it difficult to concentrate. I'd like to be able to sit on the couch, put my feet up and read manuscripts in that position. (This is part of what I do -- I read a lot of raw manuscripts). But the kitteh simply cannot refuse my empty lap (funny, I know a lot of subby guys like that), and he will nestle in there with me, making it impossible to review, let alone mark, the pages.

The other negative part of working from home is that the kitchen tends to call me. At work, the building's snack machine is many floors down in the basement, so I don't visit it often. Here, there's always something to nibble on. I made cashew brittle yesterday. As I tweeted last night, it was slightly overdone, it was too thick, and I should have kept the cashew nuts whole instead of chopping them a little. But still, it's pretty tasty and it's just sitting there in that plastic container. Next time I make candy I'll tell Rad to bring it to work. I haven't succumbed to it, though. No nibbles yet today.

I think the best way to handle this situation is to close myself off in the bedroom -- no TV, no computer, no cell phone, no kitty hugs -- and get my reading done there. Work for a few hours. Then take a walk, shower, then back to work.

God, who am I kidding? I'll probably find some spanking porn to distract myself with in the bedroom.

I do need another spanking (OMG it's been four days!!!) but I'll get one soon enough.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

"It's SUPPOSED to Hurt!"

That's the name of the book I'll be debuting at Florida Moonshine, if all goes well. It's a compilation of the best of my topping blog, "The Corporal Consultant" (www.mscassandrapark.com), along with a little bit about my switch side.

Here's a grainy sample of what the cover will look like: the actual book was sent to the printer via PDF today and will be available electronically soon.


I'll be signing and selling the real book at the Vendor's Fair on Friday night, June 4, at FMS, so please stop by and say hi. The whole point of signing up to vend was to introduce "Cassandra Park, the Corporal Consultant" to a wider community. I was just going to have a banner, offer OTK spankings, and make some homemade chocolate or fudge to sell.

Then my friend Tasha Lee of BumRap Productions (new blog Tasha Lee's Kinky Corner) went and published "Hot-Crossed Buns." She said she had done it herself, and so I had the "brilliant" idea to do the same. "I've already got all the material," I said. "It's on my blog, and I've got all these stories!"

Ha! Having all the written material was only the first step. I have been sweating bullets trying to finish this thing. I had to lay it out, figure out what should go where, make it look nice, proof it, organize photo shoots with some more male subs (it's harder than you think to get new pictures, and most players in the scene still don't want their faces showing). Then after the changes, I had make it look nice again. I'm amazed after all that that I actually did it.

I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed early after ignoring sleep for the past two weeks. I've barely had time to keep up on anything and I'm going to get back into a regular writing mode tomorrow.

Rad and I DID manage to get to the Manhattan Spanking Association party last night, which was much needed, where I got a couple of spankings including one much-needed one by my husband Rad. I also got to top an adorable male bottom, who was inquiring about ongoing "guidance" with meeting goals. Hm. I am one to guide others about meeting goals, ME who cannot seem to make it out the door on time?

We'll see!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Work, then play

I'm packed for Atlantic City, for the debut of the Boardwalk Badness Weekend, brought to us by the folks at Strictly Spanking NY and Strictly Spanking Philadelphia. This little "retreat" should have inspired a blog from me sooner than today, but once again other thoughts and responsibilities crowd out my blogging life. MOSTLY those thoughts have to do with work stress, but lately it's because I've been tapping into a different artistic head space, ie, I've been writing more fiction lately. THAT part's good; I'm still working on the work stress part.

On top of that, spanking is a difficult subject right now. To be as succinct as possible, I am getting tired of play without some emotional connection. I'm hoping that seeing and playing with some good friends this weekend helps alleviate that feeling. D and G from San Diego are already carousing about A.C., and I can't wait to get down there and see them.

It was a bad week for requesting a day off, so we'll be playing catch-up tonight. (I'm sure Rad and I are not the only ones who couldn't get today off.) At least I was granted permission to leave at 3 p.m. Praying for good traffic conditions later. And, I'll try to do some quickie blogs if time allows.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Constricted

bondage 1 110108

Yay!! Andre of Andre's Toon Damsel's promised to tie me up tonight!! Nothing like a good hogtie to get my juices flowing. Yes, I know it's OTK night at Paddles, but a girl has many needs, and we are sneaking away at a certain point to another, undisclosed location, where unspeakable acts may be occurring.

Oh, by the way, if you are coming to Paddles, don't forget the Peeps!!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Getting out of myself

I took a hot bath earlier, which I do in order to relax and meditate a bit, usually, but it didn't work very well this time. I was lying there with my mind unable to shut off, full of negative things I did not do, people I have not called, projects left unfinished, and the unending, pounding like a jackhammer, f*ckingc*cksuckingWON'TSHUTUPALREADY negative body image!!

Earlier I had started slow-cooking ribs in the Dutch oven, which was good. It forced me to not stay in the tub longer than about a half hour, and limited the time that I could stew in the negativity.

No one wants to hear my crap, because it's self-centered, not to mention complete bullshit. I get into it myself because of my fears, usually my fear of rejection. I don't ask for what I want and then I wonder why I don't get it. Why haven't I asked ___ to play with me again? -- I'm worried about this tiny fucking weight gain! Who cares if I put on a few pounds? Are people going to be running from me in horror? No! Weight doesn't matter. Do I not play with a favorite player because he gained weight? Of course not.

I admit that sometimes I DO ask for what I want and DON'T get it, but that's a small percentage of the time. Just as often I do get what I want, but then I get greedy and insatiable and I want more ... more ... and more often.

Beyond the body image, there is this negativity about my behavior. What kind of a friend am I? I owe L. a phone call for her birthday, because I forgot her birthday card (sorry, L. You know I love you; hope you like the gift!). I have to return C.'s phone call. I have to text back my brother.

At least I bought cards for T. and G.'s birthdays. And I called R. a few times. Progress, not perfection. I just don't like using the telephone, and I gotta work on that, because sometimes, I just gotta use the telephone.

Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow night is going to be fabulous. Anyone who follows me on Twitter (You ARE following me, right?) knows that I'm trying to get people to bring chocolate-covered and regular Peeps to OTK night. I haven't actually talked to Michael, the owner of Paddles NYC, about this, but I'm sure he doesn't mind that I'm calling it "Peep Night at Paddles."

This means nothing; there is NO spanking or sexual meaning behind any of it; I just like being goofy sometimes. I think I get it from my mom, who has never stopped being a kid and always liked to play.

And I need to play. Big Time.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Chocolate makes things better

I saw these in the store yesterday.
(The press release)

Now, I say, who among us, even if he does not like a Peep (hard as it is to believe, SOME don't), does not like to watch Peeps being microwaved? I swear I knew about this phenomenon LONG before it was on the internet, but I could be wrong; of course I can't prove it.

But who cares who did it first? It's crazy to watch and if you don't let it go too long, the Peep comes out all soft and gooey and you can still eat it, like a marshmallow you just stuck on a stick and held over a campfire. And what did we do with a marshmallow we roasted over a campfire -- that's right (well, at least if you were in the Girl Scouts like I was), we made a S'more out of it. These new chocolate Peeps are just one step closer to S'mores.

For your viewing pleasure, here are several "classic" YouTube videos of things being microwaved.

First, Three Peeps in a Basket:

Next, Skittles in a microwave. Not as action-packed as the first video, but with funny soundtrack)

This one I'd never seen before, I thought it was amazing: This is what happens when you put Ivory Soap in a microwave.

OK. I was sick yesterday. There was no trip to Paddles last night, and, maybe it was sad that I spent the better part of the evening looking up things that people had microwaved. But I did amuse myself. Eventually, I stopped the foolishness and started working on some artwork, some painting. This I will not post pictures of for the moment. Too embarrassing I need a lot more practice.

Today, we're off to Barnes and Noble, where I hope to get back to work on my writing.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Odds and ends

Not much to say today. Work is exhausting. Although current management is incompetent, if anyone is let go (there have been rumors) it'll mean more changes and more stress.

In case anyone hasn't heard, Pixie of Punished Brats, has been pretty ill and is taking a medical leave of absence. She is recovering, but it will take a while, she says. She's posted her mailing address on her blog if anyone wishes to send good thoughts or cards her way. Dave at the Cherry Red Report also posted an update from Pixie's partner, David Pierson, who mentioned that Pixie could use financial support with medical bills as well, if anyone's in a position to help.

I myself am I'm taking Theraflu and going to bed -- in five minutes. Still have some lingering cold symptoms. Oh course I should have been in bed earlier, what else is new? I'm not caught up on emails; I'm not caught up on a lot of things -- someone should spank me. Yeah, but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz who cares? Lots of people need spankings. I was spanked last weekend; let's not be a greedy little slut, hm?

I AM missing certain doms in California and Nevada. Oh, and in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Colorado and Florida. Guess I should mention New Jersey and New York, too. Dammit. Think I need to be bound and single-tailed. hmmm.

I am still working on my fiction and my next deadline is Saturday. I WILL write. Promise. Promise. Promise.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Days off

The powers that be decided it would be funny to give me a cold on the two days I had off from work. It actually started on Sunday evening. Yesterday, I ignored my symptoms as best I could because had a writing deadline I was attempting to meet. As soon as I hit "send," I started the water going for the TheraFlu, drank it and then crashed.

I have recently started working with a writing mentor, who is helping me get out of my negativity. I made an agreement with him that I would get stories done, submit them and accept the consequences. I said, "I HAVE to." Ie, this is what you have to go through if you choose to be a writer.

I just wish I didn't feel yesterday that it was all crap. I told my mentor I felt okay with the story on Sunday night, then woke up Monday morning and without looking at it again just knew it was horrible.

Still, I plugged away. I got a huge amount of writing done at Panera Bread, in a shopping center where there's also a Barnes & Noble. I walked over to the Barnes & Noble to look up two particular erotic short story anthologies. I didn't find those anthologies, but saw Rachel Kramer Bussell's spanking collection, Bottoms Up.

I know a woman whose story was published in that anthology. I THOUGHT I'd read it; it turns out that I hadn't. Her name is Zille Defeu, she's a blogger and she was the organizer of the recent San Francisco Corporal Punishment party. At the Barnes & Noble I flipped to her story. Big mistake -- it was terrific. I'm thinking, shit, there's no way I'd ever get published again if THIS is my competition. I did say, "again." I've already been published, had a short story published by Scarlett Hill and another story appeared in Prometheus, TES's magazine.

Rad says I'm my own worst critic. Oh, give it time ... if I actually keep submitting stories, there will be others.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Gray with spots of blue


Woke up to a cloudy day but as things are progressing it looks like it may be nice after all. I'll emerge from the cocoon of the apartment shortly. I called in sick, having a bit of a minor (I hope!) stomach virus. I lay down on the couch for an extra half hour of sleep. Buster kitty was on my stomach where he should be, and the combination of physical warmth and "psychological" comfort helped me feel a bit better. Then I finally arose to make the call to the office.

I hate making that call. No matter if I'm taking the day for some other reason, needing a mental health day, sick, or REALLY sick, there's always this fear inside that says, "They won't believe me." Some days the fear is reasonable because I'm not really sick. I try not to say, then, that I'm sick. I'll say, "I'm not feeling well and I've made an appointment." If I have something planned, that covers the "appointment" part of that statement. And "I'm not feeling well" ... well, there's always my constant sinus issues, or runny nose, or mental anxiety, or stress, or ...

I posit anyone, anywhere, can call in sick and not tell a lie!

I actually tend to feel MORE guilty when I'm actually sick. Tell me how THAT makes any sense. My coworkers, even my boss, told me to use my sick days because if I don't I will lose them. I didn't use them all last year, that's just the way I am, I need to get stuff done and if I don't feel like someone can step in and do it, I'll try to be at the office even when I'm sick. Hopefully, as I approach my three-year anniversary on this job, I'll feel more relaxed and can take a break when necessary. Today was a "good day" to cash in a sick day -- we weren't that busy at the office.

Now, I'm either going to finish a few more pages of writing OR I'll update the news section on my website OR I'll go lie down and get more rest. Update, write, then rest? Write, update, rest ... pick up the book I'm trying to finish ... ? No!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Old friends

[Picture by "T," model is "S," spanking by Cassandra]

Yesterday, I had mentioned getting spanked (and paddled) last Saturday night by an old friend. M. always was one of the best spankers/doms I knew, and we hadn't played in a long time. Well, I hadn't asked; I'd figured he wasn't that interested anymore. (I was also afraid of rejection.) I hadn't seen him out in in public much, and the last few times I had seen him he had seemed headed in a different direction. He seemed less into spanking, and more into edgier play. I'm not sure he knew that I sometimes enjoy edgier play, too -- the occasional "safe" breath play, punching, take-down scenes, knife play.

He seemed very happy to see me on Saturday night. Oddly, he always remembers the date of the first time we played, for two reasons: first, I had written him a gushy letter (which was dated) about our scene; and second, it was Sept. 8, 2001 -- the Saturday right before the Twin Towers fell. Everyone seems to remember where they were just before, and the day itself...

It was at Paddles NYC, at one of Ms. Margarat Davis' SCONY parties. I thought M. was cute, and we eyed each other across the room. Once, I passed him on my way from one spot to another just to make sure he knew I was noticing him. He may have complimented me on my schoolgirl uniform. Which of us did the asking? I'd have to verify that, but I have a feeling it was me asking him. Wish it were the other way around, it is so much more romantic when the guys ask (hint, hint).

And then we played. He made sure I knew he was in charge and then I was over his knee about to get my ass whupped. Wow. He was one of the few, in all the years I've played, where I came close to saying a safe word, where I didn't think I could go any further and he made me go further. He used his hand for much of the scene but then there were paddles and straps; oh, I couldn't even tell you what he used.

I remember M. used to say, "I don't want to see any of those crocodile tears," whenever I'd start to struggle and have a hard time with the pain. He also would react very strongly when I'D get angry at him -- this happened on occasion when I felt he was pushing me further than I could handle. I would be struggling to break position. He'd tell me to simply do whatever I needed to do to maintain my position. He usually let me yell my head off as long as I held still. All of this play was difficult while it was happening, but a beautiful memory and fantasy later on.

Saturday's reunion spanking was delicious as always. He made sure I knew HE was in charge, then he spanked me very, very hard, and then he used one of my own paddles to paddle me very, very hard. DAMN! I hated it, wished for it to be over, struggled, loved it. He still had the magic touch. Can't wait to do it again.

Now I have to write him and tell him. And I still have the same old fears ...

Saturday, March 13, 2010

I'm waking up


My brain and my writing fingers have been asleep; a long, long sleep, but I'm hoping they are finally waking up. Certain people feel that I should be punished for this, and perhaps they are right, but not everyone can punish me and if the punishment for not writing isn't going to get me writing, I don't quite see the point. It has to really come from within.

It's like wanting to lose weight or quit smoking. I can go see a disciplinarian for these bad habits, but if I'm not ready to quit, if I'm still active in these habits, the discipline is simply going to make me depressed -- I failed again; time for my paddling.

On the other hand, one gentleman, a switch who lives in Brooklyn, is a published writer and he said he sees some potential in my previous work, some of which WAS published (Why do I have to keep reminding myself of that?). He wants to discipline me PLUS go over my writing and give me some pointers. I think it will be a good thing to do.

On top of the writing, I'm also getting back into physical activity. I'd been slacking off. With spring coming I don't want to keep slacking off. I signed up for an eight-week martial arts/self-defense course at the local community college. Today was my second class and it was fantastic. We did a lot of moves; I really pushed myself hard. The instructor said I was good at getting out of holds, although of course he was holding back. I got to kick, punch, do a strangle hold, wrestle a bit. All lots of fun. It reminded me of wrestling with my brothers when I was younger; got me very energized.

Tomorrow I'll try to write about some of my recent play, which has also been pretty exciting.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Feeling groovy

I'm feeling tired from being out too late last night, but I'm in a good emotional space. This morning, I stopped at PC Richards to get printer supplies. Usually going to PC Richards is a gargantuan exercise in patience because the salesmen are beyond rude and rarely helpful. Arrogance and ignorance are not a good mix for me; combine that with "I'm too hip and young to have to be polite to you," and I'm done. Ask Rad. I HAVE walked out of stores before in frustration and anger, fearing I'll go ballistic. Yes, I have issues I must deal with.

Today, however, I was pleasantly surprised. Instead of a young and arrogant salesman, I got a slightly older, slightly flirtatious salesman. I was wearing dangly
"Love" earrings and bell bottoms, and the guy was smiling at me and looking me in the eyes. He said what I first heard as "Are you happy?" Am I happy? Um... I guess ... (What kind of a question is THAT to ask a customer?)

No, turns out he had said, "Are you a hippy?" I can't explain why, but I started to blush. Maybe it was just this little, personal attention to detail -- he NOTICED my earrings -- that happens so rarely in day-to-day interactions.

I said, "Oh, well, I was too young to be a hippy. I guess I'm now an aging wannabee hippy." Then he introduced himself. He was cute and I was certainly flattered. I haven't been flirted with in a long time in a vanilla setting and it felt good.

Last night, at Paddles, I had a scene with a dom I've never played with before. He's known in the scene and I haven't asked him yet if he's okay with me writing about him here. So he'll remain nameless for now. Let's just say he's fun and attractive and I was happy he wanted to top me. He made me feel sexy last night. I have not felt sexy lately, and I needed that. (Oh, the lighting at Paddles helps, let's not kid ourselves!)

It wasn't an excruciatingly painful scene, either, but he did give me enough pain to get my endorphins going. He caned me for being late -- circumstance beyond my control because I had a commitment earlier in Queens. But I simply accepted the caning as it was our agreement.

He had an adorable sub with him and after he topped me, I ended up getting to spank her. She had nipple rings. I wasn't really in a sexual mood BEFORE I started, but I just wanted to touch her and no one objected. I gave her a nice thuddy spanking while I touched her nipples or played with the back of her neck and hair. Before I knew what was happening she was orgasming. Oh, damn! I'm pretty sure her dom liked this. I felt very shy just before and after I played with her, but at the time, it felt right.

Today we are going to South Jersey -- my "baby" brother's 40th birthday party (fuck, how did this happen so fast?) -- and I better take a nap so I'll have energy. Hope to write more this week.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Goodbye Rocky

smaller rocky sun 022109

About two hours ago, we made the decision to let Rocky go. He was not responding to treatment for his kidneys and was very, very weak. We said goodbye, then the doctor came in and I held him as he went to sleep.

I can't believe this all happened so fast. When we got home and he wasn't meowing at the other side of the door, it hit me. Who will wake me up in the morning now?

Thank you, Rad, for being there and helping me through this.

He's not crazy today, just very sick




All I can say right now is I don't know how much longer my Rocky has. Not trying to be maudlin, but he's got serious kidney issues and diabetes, and now we're hearing about a heart murmur, which could be affected when they try to treat him for the kidney problems. Less than a year ago, my "big fat orange kitty" weighed 22 pounds. Now he's down to 11 pounds! All our jokes about him needing to lose weight seem sick and bitter right now. I liked him big. I want my big fat kitty.

Rocky turned 16 years old this Tuesday (Feb. 9). Buster, his older "brother," is going to be 17 in another month or two. I've had both since they were old enough to leave their mothers. They've been with me when I moved to Wyoming, to Florida, to various apartments in NJ, to Brooklyn when I first came to NY, and then finally to Queens.

They've been there to comfort me through relationship problems, many lonely lonely nights, and all the happy times, too. I like nothing better to get up in the morning, fix my coffee and sit on the couch with Rocky at my right and Buster on top of me -- "cuddle time," I call it.

I have no children -- these are my kids. As I expressed on Twitter a while ago, I don't feel much right now. I can't get emotional at the moment, because I'm the one who has to make decisions about his care (and whether or not to continue to try to treat something that may not be treatable). I have never gone through this before, I don't quite know HOW to go through it, but I guess this is part of loving someone or something. You eventually have to let them go.

I still have Buster. Those two got along great. You would always catch them cuddling together. Sometimes Buster would climb on top of Rocky and try to have gay kitty sex, but it never quite worked since they were both neutered. It was funny to watch, though. I don't know what kitties really feel, but I sense that Buster's wondering where Rocky is right now.

Soon, I will be back to writing more "normal" stuff. I had to talk about this a little bit.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Creepy crawlie

On FetLife I'm part of a group called NYC C.O.P. (Creepy Old People) 45 and up, started by my friend "Dictatrix". It was I guess started as tongue-in-cheek, a self-deprecating attempt to counter the new wave of young'uns that make up TNG (The Next Generation). Now, I have my friends among the 30-, 40- and 50-somethings, plus some older people and some younger people.

But when faced with a crowd of younger people, the majority of whom I don't know well, it is easy to feel intimidated. Will I make any connections here? Will I automatically not fit in because, by their group's description alone I am excluded (not from Paddles, but from membership into TNG)?

Do I NEED to fit in? No, of course not. The reason the group exists was to counter feeling different in some of the venues. Many of the parties HAVE been populated by older folks for a long time. Of course many of us weren't old when we started! But some of us were, just by nature of not being comfortable publicly displaying our kink.

Many of the younger generation were raised in a more public type of world, with the internet, texting, blogging, Tweeting -- a more public, exposed way of living that made taking the leap into the public scene not a big deal. At least that's what I gather.

The difference between TNG and myself is that I am not, and never have been, part of any large group. I never belonged to a leather family, in fact, in my early days of coming to Paddles I remember feeling quite jealous that I was not part of one of the little groups that I would see gathering there.

Contrary to popular myth, a single woman does NOT always have an easy time of it in the scene. Yes, I got offers to play, but the offers often came with caveats I wasn't comfortable with. I liked casual play, but (usually) not casual sex, for instance -- a lot of doms seemed to have a hard time understanding this. As I've said on previous occasions, spanking is not my only kink, but I gravitated toward the spanking community because it was more accepting and less demanding.

So, seeing the large group of younger folks at Paddles on Saturday night reminded me not only of my early, lonely, tentative steps into the scene, but also of high school, where I was constantly on the outs. I'm sure within TNG there are people who don't feel liked, who aren't as pretty or as outgoing as others, who have a similar awkward feeling when approaching the throngs. But they are, at least, within the required age range. I'm not.

And why does that matter? Well, for one thing, it means less attention for me! Who are you going to look at? The flabby 46-year-old, or the nubile 20-something dangling from a beautiful display of rope on the main stage? There are hot young girls afloat, much more than Paddles has probably seen in a long time. If a 40-something dom has his pick of 20-somethings or 30-somethings who are just as willing to take pain or have things done to them as a 40-something, who is he going to pick? (I have YET to have a 20-something dom ask me to play -- some "let's play soon" comments, but nothing serious).

I feel awkward in general, among both the girls and the guys. In the ladies' room at Paddles women often talk to each other as they are struggling to change or simply to wash and dry their hands within the tight space. Compliments are exchanged -- "nice skirt!" etc. I saw a young woman with red lines on her back and shoulder. "Nice marks," I said. "Single tail?" I got the impression that she didn't want to be bothered. "Knife," she answered. "Very nice," I repeated, and I might have gotten a "thank you," but it seemed cold and dismissive, as if I wouldn't understand. Yes, you are young and wild and hot. I am old and boring and ready for pasture. Sigh.

Oh, I am not giving up on the public scene by any means, even though I'm feeling my age these days. I still want to go to some of the "younger" parties like Suspension (next time I don't have to work the next day ... ). And as a switch who is quite good at delivering a spanking or flogging or strapping with authority, maybe one of those hot young things will come my way at some point...

Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Blackberry fiasco

The bloom was off the rose of the Blackberry just after I last wrote about it. Did not have access to emails or websites for five days! I tried various settings and it looked like everything was set up, but no luck. I planned a trip to a Verizon store for help just as soon as I had a day where I got out of work early and didn't have any other plans. This did not work out any day this week -- and a lunch time trip wasn't in the cards, either. Closest store, I think, to my office is somewhere around 96th Street and Broadway. Just far enough away to not give me time for the actual conversation and assistance from the Verizon tech desk.

Have to add an aside here. The Verizon store further south on Broadway -- in the 80s somewhere -- is much more helpful than the one near 96th. I have not had a good experience overall with Verizon salespeople (Customer service desk is ALWAYS helpful and professional, though ... odd) But this one store I had a nice experience with a salesman and because he pleasantly surprised me that way I decided to go back (see how it works, store managers?) and buy stuff from him.

By Saturday night I still hadn't gone to the Verizon store. It would have been the one in Queens; Bay Terrace shopping center, near the Barnes and Noble. But I still ran out of time. We were all going to Paddles for Rocky and Friends' birthday party, so we picked up Marie on the way. She was the one who'd given it to me, and told me it had been working fine, that she just wanted to upgrade her phone.

She says, "Maybe you could try uninstalling the FaceBook app on the phone." I thought, "WTF?" She was in the back seat, looking at various options on the phone, as she said this. "You want me to uninstall it for you?" she asked. "I had this problem before when I had the phone."

"Okay," I said. "That doesn't make any sense, but I don't need instantaneous access to FaceBook. Go ahead." She did, and suddenly the phone was behaving properly again. Well, that's nice, after almost a full week of being nearly out of touch!

Thanks, Marie. Thanks for causing me grief, FaceBook. Marie said I could reinstall the app (she had done this after her similar problem and there wasn't an issue), but I think I'll hold off on that for now.

This week I look forward to writing much more, now that I have no excuse. Oh, I know, I had no excuse before. Someone should be spanked.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

A bit of crack...

A "real" blog to follow later, I think. Marie's given me her old Crackb... Blackberry, so I'm having fun getting used to all the settings. Immediately love how easy it is to see new emails. Now I need to explore how convenient blogging, tweeting and other such nonsense will be from the road.

Yes, I still want the LATEST gadget, but this'll do for now.

Among other things, I'll be writing about my shoot with Southeastern Woodshed (this happened on Tuesday; I topped and bottomed), next.

Time to get ready for work. I'm embarrassed that it's taken me a month to post a new blog. What can I say? "Spankable offense?" ... what ISN'T a spankable offense? Line up.