I started this thread on FetLife yesterday when talking to some of my friends in the Hollywood Spanking Munch and Party group, and figured it was worth cross-posting here.
It struck me yesterday that my default modus operandi is to be a wise ass. You can call it witty banter, bratting, being a SAM (smart-ass masochist), whatever. I admit that I SOMETIMES do it to rile someone up and give him a reason to spank me, OR to push his buttons so he spanks me harder, but I'll also do it with doms who I KNOW don't need any such prompting, as well as with everyday people in the scene and the vanilla world, people I'm not jockeying for position to play with.
And I am starting to realize that it's a knee-jerk, fear-based approach to people. If I share from the heart, people may reject me, so I better do the class clown bit and amuse them instead. The real me may or may not come out eventually.
At every large spanking party I attend like Shadow Lane or Florida Moonshine, I generally do okay in crowds because I'm comfortable "performing" in this manner. Then there's the moment where I just want to run away, and I NEED to be honest and tell someone what I'm feeling.
I might share how I really feel very very unpopular because I haven't been asked to play all day, or that I don't feel attractive enough, or that I'm feeling jealous of someone my husband's playing with. All those "bad" feelings that you aren't supposed to talk about.
I CAN'T open up and share like that most of the time. I have to trust someone before I do, and no one wants to be serious all the time.
Bratting and joking around is part of the fun of parties, too. I generally put my money where my mouth is. And I'll probably always be a SAM.
After several nicely worded responses to my original post, I added, "Oh, yes, I forget: I'm also an attention whore."