Saturday, February 20, 2010

Feeling groovy

I'm feeling tired from being out too late last night, but I'm in a good emotional space. This morning, I stopped at PC Richards to get printer supplies. Usually going to PC Richards is a gargantuan exercise in patience because the salesmen are beyond rude and rarely helpful. Arrogance and ignorance are not a good mix for me; combine that with "I'm too hip and young to have to be polite to you," and I'm done. Ask Rad. I HAVE walked out of stores before in frustration and anger, fearing I'll go ballistic. Yes, I have issues I must deal with.

Today, however, I was pleasantly surprised. Instead of a young and arrogant salesman, I got a slightly older, slightly flirtatious salesman. I was wearing dangly
"Love" earrings and bell bottoms, and the guy was smiling at me and looking me in the eyes. He said what I first heard as "Are you happy?" Am I happy? Um... I guess ... (What kind of a question is THAT to ask a customer?)

No, turns out he had said, "Are you a hippy?" I can't explain why, but I started to blush. Maybe it was just this little, personal attention to detail -- he NOTICED my earrings -- that happens so rarely in day-to-day interactions.

I said, "Oh, well, I was too young to be a hippy. I guess I'm now an aging wannabee hippy." Then he introduced himself. He was cute and I was certainly flattered. I haven't been flirted with in a long time in a vanilla setting and it felt good.

Last night, at Paddles, I had a scene with a dom I've never played with before. He's known in the scene and I haven't asked him yet if he's okay with me writing about him here. So he'll remain nameless for now. Let's just say he's fun and attractive and I was happy he wanted to top me. He made me feel sexy last night. I have not felt sexy lately, and I needed that. (Oh, the lighting at Paddles helps, let's not kid ourselves!)

It wasn't an excruciatingly painful scene, either, but he did give me enough pain to get my endorphins going. He caned me for being late -- circumstance beyond my control because I had a commitment earlier in Queens. But I simply accepted the caning as it was our agreement.

He had an adorable sub with him and after he topped me, I ended up getting to spank her. She had nipple rings. I wasn't really in a sexual mood BEFORE I started, but I just wanted to touch her and no one objected. I gave her a nice thuddy spanking while I touched her nipples or played with the back of her neck and hair. Before I knew what was happening she was orgasming. Oh, damn! I'm pretty sure her dom liked this. I felt very shy just before and after I played with her, but at the time, it felt right.

Today we are going to South Jersey -- my "baby" brother's 40th birthday party (fuck, how did this happen so fast?) -- and I better take a nap so I'll have energy. Hope to write more this week.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Goodbye Rocky

smaller rocky sun 022109

About two hours ago, we made the decision to let Rocky go. He was not responding to treatment for his kidneys and was very, very weak. We said goodbye, then the doctor came in and I held him as he went to sleep.

I can't believe this all happened so fast. When we got home and he wasn't meowing at the other side of the door, it hit me. Who will wake me up in the morning now?

Thank you, Rad, for being there and helping me through this.

He's not crazy today, just very sick

All I can say right now is I don't know how much longer my Rocky has. Not trying to be maudlin, but he's got serious kidney issues and diabetes, and now we're hearing about a heart murmur, which could be affected when they try to treat him for the kidney problems. Less than a year ago, my "big fat orange kitty" weighed 22 pounds. Now he's down to 11 pounds! All our jokes about him needing to lose weight seem sick and bitter right now. I liked him big. I want my big fat kitty.

Rocky turned 16 years old this Tuesday (Feb. 9). Buster, his older "brother," is going to be 17 in another month or two. I've had both since they were old enough to leave their mothers. They've been with me when I moved to Wyoming, to Florida, to various apartments in NJ, to Brooklyn when I first came to NY, and then finally to Queens.

They've been there to comfort me through relationship problems, many lonely lonely nights, and all the happy times, too. I like nothing better to get up in the morning, fix my coffee and sit on the couch with Rocky at my right and Buster on top of me -- "cuddle time," I call it.

I have no children -- these are my kids. As I expressed on Twitter a while ago, I don't feel much right now. I can't get emotional at the moment, because I'm the one who has to make decisions about his care (and whether or not to continue to try to treat something that may not be treatable). I have never gone through this before, I don't quite know HOW to go through it, but I guess this is part of loving someone or something. You eventually have to let them go.

I still have Buster. Those two got along great. You would always catch them cuddling together. Sometimes Buster would climb on top of Rocky and try to have gay kitty sex, but it never quite worked since they were both neutered. It was funny to watch, though. I don't know what kitties really feel, but I sense that Buster's wondering where Rocky is right now.

Soon, I will be back to writing more "normal" stuff. I had to talk about this a little bit.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Creepy crawlie

On FetLife I'm part of a group called NYC C.O.P. (Creepy Old People) 45 and up, started by my friend "Dictatrix". It was I guess started as tongue-in-cheek, a self-deprecating attempt to counter the new wave of young'uns that make up TNG (The Next Generation). Now, I have my friends among the 30-, 40- and 50-somethings, plus some older people and some younger people.

But when faced with a crowd of younger people, the majority of whom I don't know well, it is easy to feel intimidated. Will I make any connections here? Will I automatically not fit in because, by their group's description alone I am excluded (not from Paddles, but from membership into TNG)?

Do I NEED to fit in? No, of course not. The reason the group exists was to counter feeling different in some of the venues. Many of the parties HAVE been populated by older folks for a long time. Of course many of us weren't old when we started! But some of us were, just by nature of not being comfortable publicly displaying our kink.

Many of the younger generation were raised in a more public type of world, with the internet, texting, blogging, Tweeting -- a more public, exposed way of living that made taking the leap into the public scene not a big deal. At least that's what I gather.

The difference between TNG and myself is that I am not, and never have been, part of any large group. I never belonged to a leather family, in fact, in my early days of coming to Paddles I remember feeling quite jealous that I was not part of one of the little groups that I would see gathering there.

Contrary to popular myth, a single woman does NOT always have an easy time of it in the scene. Yes, I got offers to play, but the offers often came with caveats I wasn't comfortable with. I liked casual play, but (usually) not casual sex, for instance -- a lot of doms seemed to have a hard time understanding this. As I've said on previous occasions, spanking is not my only kink, but I gravitated toward the spanking community because it was more accepting and less demanding.

So, seeing the large group of younger folks at Paddles on Saturday night reminded me not only of my early, lonely, tentative steps into the scene, but also of high school, where I was constantly on the outs. I'm sure within TNG there are people who don't feel liked, who aren't as pretty or as outgoing as others, who have a similar awkward feeling when approaching the throngs. But they are, at least, within the required age range. I'm not.

And why does that matter? Well, for one thing, it means less attention for me! Who are you going to look at? The flabby 46-year-old, or the nubile 20-something dangling from a beautiful display of rope on the main stage? There are hot young girls afloat, much more than Paddles has probably seen in a long time. If a 40-something dom has his pick of 20-somethings or 30-somethings who are just as willing to take pain or have things done to them as a 40-something, who is he going to pick? (I have YET to have a 20-something dom ask me to play -- some "let's play soon" comments, but nothing serious).

I feel awkward in general, among both the girls and the guys. In the ladies' room at Paddles women often talk to each other as they are struggling to change or simply to wash and dry their hands within the tight space. Compliments are exchanged -- "nice skirt!" etc. I saw a young woman with red lines on her back and shoulder. "Nice marks," I said. "Single tail?" I got the impression that she didn't want to be bothered. "Knife," she answered. "Very nice," I repeated, and I might have gotten a "thank you," but it seemed cold and dismissive, as if I wouldn't understand. Yes, you are young and wild and hot. I am old and boring and ready for pasture. Sigh.

Oh, I am not giving up on the public scene by any means, even though I'm feeling my age these days. I still want to go to some of the "younger" parties like Suspension (next time I don't have to work the next day ... ). And as a switch who is quite good at delivering a spanking or flogging or strapping with authority, maybe one of those hot young things will come my way at some point...