Sunday, September 7, 2008

Acting out?

I saw my therapist on Wednesday. Good timing, just after the party, and naturally she got an earful about both the good and the bad parts of the Shadow Lane party (see my post about "horny men" for some of the bad parts). The good far overshadowed the bad, of course.

My therapist is so great. She wasn't that familiar with the intricacies of BDSM before I met her, but she's totally open-minded and, beyond that, she's done a shitload of research and she asks tons of questions.

I was describing the particularly hard scene I did on Sunday night and she asked me, "Was it like 'obliteration' or 'transcendence'?" I looked and her and thought, "Wow!" As in, neither of these terms had been on the tip of my tongue, but I have to say those ARE good ways of describing certain scenes. The scene on Sunday? Mostly transcendent, with a healthy dollop of obliteration on top.

She also pointed out something that I've never really considered in all my years of public play. I don't drink anymore, I gave that up nearly 17 years ago because I was out of control. I don't normally go to bars to unwind or to just hang out. I don't have a problem going to a bar for a good reason, but being sober around people who are getting drunk isn't really fun. You tend not to be on the same wavelength, as amusing as it can be sometimes.

A long time ago I had labeled spanking as "my drug of choice." I consider it a safe addiction, as long as I maintain a balance with other areas of my life (not doing TOO well with that this week!)

But the parties themselves, the dressing up, the multiple play partners, the occasional bratting -- this is like my acting out. This is my version of "partying." This is how I let loose, I let myself be free, get out of myself. And I am pretty, I am sexy, I am having the extreme reckless fun that I don't usually allow myself in my day-to-day life.

And you know, that's okay. Maybe that's why I crash a few days later, because I'm walking around in a state of euphoria for a few days.

You know, I have heard a few other people who have quit drinking say, "If I put anything into my body that takes me out of reality, then I'm not sober." I've even heard some people say they won't take aspirin or allergy medicine. Personally, I think that's ridiculous. I won't take medicine that has ALCOHOL as an ingredient, but in any other case, if I need medicine, I'll take it!

And when I need my spanking "medicine," damn straight I'm going to take it. Yes, it takes me out of reality. Then again, so does good sex. Or a hard workout. Or a great novel or movie. I guess what I'm saying is that sobriety does not equal stark-raving reality. I get STONED on my endorphins! I dare anyone to tell me that's not okay once in a while.


Wednesday said...

I think I understand "transcendence" but how would you define "obliteration" in the context of a spanking scene?

Brian said...

This is weird, I had no idea you had a therapist or talked about the spanking with her and yet I've written that into your story. LOL

It is like being someone else though and a drug no matter if you're on top or bottom.

Radagast said...

At some point people have to be comfortable with just enjoying themselves as they do things that please them. Yes, there are times when things become "addictions" but I wonder whether it is in the human condition to become hooked on things - it's just that sometimes we get really hooked.

Ms. Cassandra (Sandy) Park said...

Wednesday -- it's hard to define the obliteration. Well, obviously it's a metaphor. For me I think it means a complete wiping out of self (temporarily, of course) where you are pushed over some extreme edge of pain and you are utterly without choice in what you are given ... I guess I don't know if it's THAT much different than "transcendence," but i guess transcendence is more pyschological and obliteration is more physical...

Maybe I should knock off the mumbo jumbo and just say, "I got beat really, really hard, had no say in the matter, and was a screaming wreck until he pulled me back to some semblance of reality."