Sunday, August 10, 2008

Fear and longing in Queens

I've been having difficulty writing, feel blocked, not able to get deep into my emotions the way I'd really like to, and I'm trying to pinpoint why.

I have some ideas why. Part of it has to do with expressing a desire to the world and being ignored. I don't want my desires ignored, left echoing off the walls of my own head. "Hello? Hello? Is there anyone out there? Can anyone hear me? (hear me... hear me... hear me... )"

Beyond my fear of being ignored there is the fear of ridicule, of being put down. Paranoid, perhaps; perhaps not...

Third is my fear (which often becomes reality) that some who hear my desires expressed will offer to fulfill my needs ... but they won't seem "right" to me. I won't feel comfortable agreeing to a scene with a particular person. Then I'll have to say no, which is always awkward. And my search will continue.

And what is it exactly that I want? Let's try to describe it: I want my control taken from me, my submission demanded. Pain. Humiliation. To be brought down to the depths and to be made to suffer ... by someone I trust will then bring me back up from that place, release me to an even higher plane than where we started; someone who will not take this lightly, who will understand that it's not about sex, or play, or even just pain; someone who understands where he's taking me and wants to take me there.

Oh, but I forgot my fourth fear -- the fear of myself. Can I still do it? Will my body betray me? Will I chicken out too early? Those who've played with me will know that I don't often call mercy, but it is a struggle for me. I don't take it peacefully. I make a lot of noise. I may fight and resist. I may need to be gagged or tied down, if my struggling and noise bothers someone.

I know there are doms who understand this, some of whom I know read my blog. Kind, intelligent, fun, decent people who can slip into this role (and who want to slip into this role, who really enjoy this role, and aren't playing just because they like woman's butts).

Needless to say, Rad's one of those doms. As we approach the Shadow Lane party, I know of others that I'll be playing with there. The in-between times are tough. Asking for what I want is tough. But now I've put it out there.

Hello? Hello?


Bonnie said...

Hi Sandy,

It's difficult to be totally honest with oneself, let alone with someone else (and let alone the whole world). In describing your fears, by giving them names, you diminish them.

I believe you will ultimately find the place you seek. No one can know precisely how you will respond until it happens, but your longing will never be satisfied until you find out.

I too sometimes seek to redefine boundaries. The result is typically a better understanding of myself.

I hope your experience will realize your dreams and vanquish your nightmares.


Ms. Cassandra (Sandy) Park said...

Thanks, Bonnie. I guess some of the fears are based on reality and others are in my head. On top of that, there is the issue of "you can't always get what you want."

(Yeah, but if you try sometimes... )