Little Sandy can't come out and play today

I came down with a bug yesterday and left work early. After some assessing of the situation this morning, I have decided not to go to the Manhattan Spanking Association party that's being held tonight. I told Rad to please go by himself so he can deal with the bad girls who need dealing with. No reason one of us can't play.

I WILL miss seeing people. But right now I'm just sort of blah. Not craving play, not sexually charged up, not really wanting to socialize, either. I brought work home. I don't want to look at it, but that's probably what I'll be doing later -- reading and editing stories.

My mood has been low all week. I'm under stress at work to do many things beyond normal editing. I'm nervous about much of it, especially (still) my new internet duties: worried that I'm not doing the right things, afraid to ask questions that will make me look dumb or incompetent, but afraid, on the other hand, to take action without checking in first and asking permission. Dilbert from the other day was a perfect example of how things have been lately. I don't let things get to me too much, but we're going to be understaffed for some time, it seems, so there may not be relief for months.

What I may do, since I haven't in a while, is to try to shift focus and do something creative. Like paint, write fiction, or work on a mosaic. I can do that for an hour or so, then do my work for an hour or so, then back to something fun.

It's nice out, so if I feel better, later I'll go for a walk. Hope everyone who's going to a party tonight has a great time.

How did this happen?

I'm all for public humiliation play as much as the next person. But I think this goes above and beyond.

My highly calculated, scientific method of picking the winning teams didn't work. Now my only redeeming hope is to maintain my record of dead last in Rad's office pool. Two years in a row? I'm off to a great start!

Next time I'll use a better strategy than the number of letters in each team's name or who happens to come first alphabetically. I should have gone with Diane Chamber's method (I couldn't find a link to the actual episode, but The Huffington Post happened to discuss it yesterday:

"In an infamous episode of Cheers, Diane Chambers placed her bets for the football pool based on which animal/creature would win a fight in real life. (For example, clearly a (Chicago) Bear would beat a (St. Louis) Ram.) The result? She mopped the floor with everyone.)"

Sad thing is I haven't even paid Rad back yet for the $20 entry fee for the pool.

Hope your March madness bracket is doing better.

Subway rumblings

On the R train there was one seat available on the aisle and I was wondering why no one was sitting down, until I approached and saw someone had spilled something. It wasn't a huge mess, though, so I pulled out a napkin, covered the splotch and took the seat. At Lexington, the guy in the inside seat left so I moved over, leaving the napkin in place. Soon a lady just getting on the train came over to sit down. Thinking that the napkin was just trash left over by someone, she impatiently knocked it onto the floor. Seeing the surprise underneath, she sighed, then quickly scurried away. Glad it wasn't me. And how easily it could have been me.

The overly loud i-Pod noise was getting to me, so I turned my own i-Pod on for peace of mind. Dar Williams was up, the song "Iowa." Funny how over the weekend I just saw a musical about Iowa ("The Music Man"). You can find poignancy is everything if you want to. I was in this mood on Sunday where -- even though I've probably seen this show 30 times -- I was excited, just waiting for the point where salesman Harold Hill tells Marian the librarian, "For the first time in my life I got my foot stuck in the door."

Taking a chance, changing something, doing something different before it's too late -- oddly, this is also what the Dar Williams song "Iowa" is about, and is probably why it's one of her most popular songs at shows. The line goes, "I went running through the screendoors of discretion for I woke up from a nightmare that I could not stand to see... you were wandering out on the hills of Iowa and you were not thinking of me..."

Of course I want to know someone is thinking about me.

Do I take chances? Some. Sure, lots of physical boundary pushing, but emotional? Hardly. I want to be done with getting hurt and being a fool, and so I try to avoid that high school bullshit at all costs. Which of course is bullshit in itself. We all, I think, have our passions and desires, and they crop up and they usually are "inappropriate" so we shove them back down again. Unimportant. Childish. Selfish.

Over too soon

Fat Orange Kitty looking angelic. So unlike him.


I was on the Steinway subway platform waiting for the glimmer of light indicating the train was just around the bend. There it came, crowded again. A girl getting on in front of me did not move in (as you're "supposed" to), but stood in the doorway spot, making me squeeze around her to find a place to stand where I can reach a pole. I was the last one onto the train, so that should have been MY spot! The train started to move before I could get around her and I was jostled and knocked into her. I think I stepped on her foot. Oops. Too bad. I found a pole on the other side of the train; two stops later I had worked my way over to another door spot that opened up.

The weekend was too short, but filled with moments of joy. On Sunday I watched my niece dance and sing on stage in the high school's annual musical. She's still in grade school but is taking dance classes and they needed kids for this show. She's just very talented and a great kid. I loved watching her and felt proud. In my school days (this was MY alma mater, by the way) I would have been in the pit playing with the show band. I was a trombonist. The very same band director I had in high school was STILL directing the band, and I said hello at intermission. Didn't like high school much, but loved being in the band. Good memories.

On Saturday night I hung out with scene friends in a non-play environment -- they had a young nephew staying over, plus an adult daughter was home. We sat up till after 2 a.m. talking about fantasies, relationships, types of play and a bunch of other scene topics, with a bit of gossip tossed in. We also watched TV and just had normal vanilla conversation.

I feel this has been how the past year has been unfolding. Play, yes -- lots of good play. But more and more real connections. The East Coast seems to be finally turning a corner (or maybe I'M turning a corner) and I'm finding the scene "family" I've been longing for. Some of that family live in other parts of the country, but with the internet and periodic visits and parties, we continue to build the friendships.

Now it's back to work -- what a drag! Beyond work itself, I'm dealing with chocolate and other temptations that have appeared in the kitchen. A coworker was on vacation and, as we are "required" to bring treats to the office after vacation, here we go:

I promised Rad I would drink two full bottles of water, then wait till at least noon, before touching anything -- if I do at all. Maybe by then I'll have no desire (ha!). Of course, if you wait long enough these things have a way of disappearing quickly.

Public displays of correction

When things click, they click. There was a good energy Saturday night and I think at least part of that was my mood going in. I approached the party with the idea that I was going to play with whoever I liked, I was going to do what I liked, I was going to ask for what I needed, and I was going to explore what I wanted to explore.

I knew Rad was going to spank me, and Scott was probably going to spank me and when Gary showed up at the munch I knew we would play, too. (We ended up playing three times--I topped him, he topped me, and then Miranda and I topped him together.)

Rad got me first, though, dragging me off right to the bright lights of the main stage, where he soon had me bare-bottomed and yelping under his steady, hard hand. I think I might have made a smart-assed remark. Oops. I'll never do that again.

A young couple who'd been at the munch earlier approached me just after I'd finished the scene with Rad. She was a pretty little thing, in a very, very short, pleated skirt. Her boyfriend/dom/husband was leading her around on a chain attached to her collar. (Yes, it was OTK night, but I don't think anyone was going to complain -- she was adorable). Her partner told me she'd been bad and needed to be punished. Since I'd just been spanked myself, I wondered if they KNEW I switched or if they were just taking a chance. But I was up for it and jumped right in.

"Oh," I said. "And what has this young lady done?" A dubious "reason" was supplied, so I scolded her briefly, then continued to scold as she went over my knee and I began to spank her. She was thin, but had a beautifully round butt. A smattering of people gathered, seeming to like the tableau of her across my lap. I hope we can have a repeat at some point in the future...

When it came time to play with Scott, a little later on, I was nervous. He had told me ahead of time that I wouldn't be getting the family strap (thank God) this time, but he likes to play hard, and he knows I can take it hard, so I knew there would be some pain in store for me. I love playing with him; he's very strict and no-nonsense. He says, "Warm-up spankings were invented by 'spankos.' If you were getting punished there would be no warm-up." This is true.

So with him, I get that rush of fear that is such a turn-on to me. The scene was hot. He strapped me a lot, with a few of my "lighter" straps. (I wouldn't call the London Tanners' tawse light, exactly, but compared to the F'nFS, it's lighter.) He also used the bath brush and got me a bunch of times in the "sweet spot." (There's nothing sweet about it; who invented that F'n term?)

After the last strapping, which was the hardest, of course, I was lying across the bench thinking I didn't want the scene to end. I got up and he gave me a hug. I asked him, "Would you mind if we ended with a hand spanking?" He looked at me and said, "Would I mind?" And I went back over his knee. Just before he started, I told him he could go as hard as he wanted. He gave me a look as if to say, "Do you really need to give me permission?"

Oh, it was lovely. And the party was just what I needed. Going back to work today was a real downer, but what can you do?

Blast, blast, blast...

Photo cartoon from A Softer World, created by Emily Horne and Joey Comeau (posted here with permission)


My "consolation prize" trip to Paddles went above and beyond my expectations. The munch at Moonstruck Diner was packed. Unfortunately, we were invaded by a large party of vanillas at the next table over. Many Little Vanillas scurrying around as well, which dampened some would-be conversations. Still, it's New York City, and if you take your kids to a diner you take your chances on the conversations you might overhear. We do our best to be discreet; do not always achieve that goal...

Because of the interlopers, while at the diner Rad simply handed out the "raffle tickets" (not actual tickets; each one was half of a card from a deck of cards--cool idea), and we held the raffle later at the club. Michael let us use the microphone and we ended up giving out about 15 "prizes" -- a few books, a few DVDS, and a bunch of toys. Harry G. and J&L contributed prizes as well; thank you! (Where did you guys go, by the way, J&L? I missed you later.)

Susan, if you're reading this, we had left some "prizes" in the car, so your winning ticket WILL be honored next time we see you. (Someone had the audacity to be off getting spanked while the raffle was going on.)

So, that was a little twist to the usual activities and, reportedly, people enjoyed it. We, meanwhile, got to clear our closet of a bit of toys we never use, books we've already read, and spanking DVDs that we didn't think we'd watch again.

And oh, yes, I got spanked. Yes, yes, yes. Thank you to my fabulous tops who stepped up and knew how to take care of me, especially (big meanie) Rad. I will write about that soon. First, breakfast calls. I was ravenous last night leaving the club but did not succumb to temptation. Now I'm simply hungry and must "nom nom nom."

What I meant to say

That last blog just sort of took off on its own after I wrote the title. Work is on my mind, a little, but what I had intended to write about (which some of you can guess) is that I need a good, hard spanking.

I'm going to Paddles NYC tonight for the monthly OTK party, and reports indicate that there WILL be decent tops there. There's a dom, M., whom I haven't played with in ages. For various reasons when I'd last seen him I couldn't do a hard scene. I was recovering from surgery, I was recovering from another hard scene, etc. But he's a great player, extremely dominant, and will push me, WILL give me the pain I crave, so if I see him it may be time.

Scott and Miranda will also be coming from Philly, with the Family Strap in their bag. I don't know if I can deal with the "F'nFS" again. But I do love playing with Scott. Also haven't seen Miranda in ages and we're hoping to co-top some worthy sub. Key word "worthy." Who's worthy? We'll know him when we see him, LOL!

We'll be at the munch at Moonstruck Diner (9th Ave. and 23rd St.) at 5:30 p.m. Rad already announced on his blog earlier this week that we'll be doing a prize giveaway -- just for the fuck of it. Come early, you might bring a prize home.

I am feeling needy. My friends know it's been stressful lately. Yeah, I know that no one who wasn't going to Shadow Lane feels sorry for us having to cancel! ... but I feel sorry ... waa. (Sticking thumb in mouth like a big baby).

Is it addictive behavior to crave a hard scene? To try to handle, or alleviate, some of the suckiness life hands you sometimes? Maybe. But it hurts no one. Except me, for a little while. LOL.

The beatings will continue until morale improves

Funny how corporate efforts to improve employee morale never consider the obvious. They always do something stupid like putting up inspirational posters, or holding monthly birthday parties that everyone's forced to partake in -- rather than paying people what they're worth, not forcing them to work unpaid overtime, not firing half of the staff so that job descriptions of the survivors suddenly expand to three pages.

And they should provide spankings in the break room! Okay, I'll admit that last one will only work for SOME of us! (Wouldn't it be funny, though, to find out just how many of our coworkers are into what we're into?) Are the real quiet ones dominant in their private lives? And vice versa?

I think my boss should be whipped on a regular basis, and not in a good way. It may improve her attitude, and she seriously needs an attitude adjustment...

I also think my immediate supervisor is in the scene, or was at one point. At Paddles one night, I swear I saw a younger version of her -- maybe from 10, 15 years ago -- in an S&M video. But I like her and if she is or was in the scene that's cool. I still don't want her knowing in any way what I do on my spare time!

I just remembered my office doesn't HAVE a break room. No spankings for you!

More than a little disappointed

Those who read this blog, and Rad's blog, and Shadow Lane already know what we wrote earlier -- change of plans; we're not going to the Shadow Lane party next weekend. There's not much we can do, Rad's mom is in the hospital, and we have to be around for her.

Obviously this is a huge disappointment, but I'm trying not to get too down about it. I was so looking forward to playing with a few of my favorite doms that I haven't seen since the last party (and hoping they were looking forward to playing with ME!). Was also anticipating a fun Boys Behaving Badly F/m party, which I was supposed to cohost with Miss Chris and Auntie Rhi. The boys will behave badly without me, I guess...

I've been putting off writing for over a week now. I can't say exactly what is going on but I have been having a hard time expressing my emotions, here or elsewhere. My last two blogs were kind of negative and I was hoping to balance that with a positive blog, but I wasn't feeling positive so I never wrote it. But I'm going to try harder, over the next week, to write something whether I feel positive or negative.

Thanks to everyone who already wrote or texted, telling us we'll be missed. It feels good to be missed. Feels better not to HAVE to be missed, but that's life.