Been thinking about what I said about taking a stand at the next party toward boys behaving badly. Truth is, I fear I'll wimp out. Despite massive improvements since my younger years, I still have people-pleasing tendencies. I still want to be the "nice" girl. I might complain to friends, of course, but may not talk to the guy himself. Talking to him might work, but I sometimes fear it will bring on additional undesirable behavior.
I'm not talking about the black-and-white cases where there WAS an incident -- the drunk guy at Shadow Lane who grabbed my arm at the edge of the dance floor and announced that we were going to dance. The stranger who walked by and touched my butt at Paddles. Easy: They were over the line; I complained; action was taken. Eve and Tony tossed the obnoxious drunk out, and Michael at Paddles told the butt-grabber to leave.
More often there are the gray areas, which women who go to these public events may struggle with: What must we just accept? What is a violation? What is simply social awkwardness? What is stalking?
Perhaps one person's "stalking" is, to someone else, simply coming back and asking a second time to play. On the other hand, perhaps you've said no several times already and the guy approaches you again. I'd like to think that my body language and demeanor will let someone know I'm interested or not. Of course that's not always the case. So I have to just say, "No thank you."
Items for discussion, which I may propose as a Shadow Lane chat, if people are willing to participate: How do you deal with rejection -- on the receiving or giving end? What is crossing the line to you? If someone feels "creepy" or "off" but hasn't really done anything, can you complain? Is it shyness, or anti-social behavior? If someone is shy, do you feel a responsibility to help him/her feel welcome? If someone makes you uncomfortable, do you talk to him?
P.S. I hope to write tomorrow or the next day about why I miss Shadow Lane and can't wait for the party! Lest anyone think it is populated by a bunch of freaks, that's not the case. These guys I'm talking about are not the norm.
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6 comments:
Don't know if it's always a wimp thing. Things happen on the spot and you're not 100% sure what to think until you've had some time to process.
Then once you do... you realize that you should have been more upset and that you should have said something.
At least that's how it has worked for us.
:)
Todd & Suzy
I've gotten a lot of practice dealing with boundary issues in my line of work, but I still get caught off guard on occasion with the "think fast!" situations. So I don't think it is a wimp thing either.
I think in certain situations, you need to go with your gut, if the guy is just rude,then what the heck, taste of his own medicine could be in order. However, if you have the gut feeling that this guy is down right creepy, and dangerous, best to trust your gut and report him to the club owner, and tell every women in the club about him, let's face it, there are dangerous people out there, not everyone has good intentions. So what must we accept?, whatever we want. what is a violation?, if you feel you being violated, then don't negate your feelings, you are being violated. what is simply social awkwardness? being shy by nature, being uneasy in a new situation,numerous things can make even the boldest of us sometimes feel awkward. And lastly, if you feel like you are being stalked, YOU ARE!
Lots of good points here, thanks. I didn't think of that possibility -- that sometimes I simply don't know what to do or say at the time something is happening.
I think it can often be a unique challenge to be polite and yet firm in your own personal boundaries. Women are raised to be polite and accomodating. THis can be problematic in this scene..and especially at parties. No matter how many parties I go to..or how often I visit Paddles, I still am so perplexed as to how to graciously turn down people who are undesirable to me..for whatever reason. I simply am not in a mental "place" to 'give it away' anymore...Good luck at SL. I am sure it will fine, Sandy.
For a single male, either new to the scene, or re-emerging after many years away (when attended as a couple) it can be both tense and angst-ridden. Rejection, always difficult to accept, is more common than acceptance. So some tolerance from veteran players like yourself and Rad, is quite welcome.
Your presentation @ the TES party was excellent and both my companion and I enjoyed it very much. Sorry we didnt get the chance to say goodnight.
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