Friday, February 6, 2009

Getting it

I have a hard time writing about pain. There tends to be so much light and fluffy stuff tossed around on internet message boards and chat rooms -- bratting, taunting of tops, virtual sticking out of tongues -- and little talk of the payback. And I'm assuming there IS a payback. Many of those who comment here say they identify with the fear I sometimes talk about, the type of play I enjoy. I don't think I need to explain that the pain has to be real for the fear to carry any meaning. (But why must I feel fear? -- I think I'll have to explore that another time.)

I was bantering with Scott yesterday. I expressed a "minor complaint" that the punishment he says he's giving me tonight will be nearly equal to one he once gave his wife Miranda, for an "offense" (I won't disclose THAT here) that I believed was far worse than the one I committed. I don't really want to talk too much about what I did, either; let's just say it's a perennial behavioral pattern. Scott emailed me back that Miranda's offense might have been "worse" -- but that concerning ME, "as punishment, anything less than a long, hard whipping would be a waste of time."

I like when I meet a top who "gets" me. It's scary when he gets me THAT well.

At Paddles NYC I have a bit of a reputation for the noise I make when I play. I don't set out to make a lot of noise, but when it starts to hurt, I let it out. I'm not having an orgasm from the pain. I'm simply hurting from the pain. Does that mean it doesn't turn me on, that I'm not really a masochist? I don't think so. I don't think you have to be turned on at the moment of its occurrence for pain to be your turn on. I suppose others react differently. I can't write for them. This is how I react.


Wednesday said...

Please do write more about this when you get a chance. I end up playing with a lot of bottoms who speak of pain and fear the way you do. I'd love to know as much as I can about what makes them tick.

Anonymous said...

Sandy, lately I try to analyze my 'relationship' to pain as well. It's so weird. I want and crave it... hard discipline...the pain, then of course, it starts..and I don't. Yet.. I still do. There is like a mini-mantra running in my head: 'this pain is good..its healthy..its positive..I deserve this, its mine...its chasing away the demons, etc'. It has to be real for be real. When its over, the relief is amazing. I like your noises. So real. As a fellow screamer..I can certainly relate. Lisa