Sunday, April 19, 2009

Uncorking the emotions

The SSNY party was wonderful, but I think I disappointed some people. I feel very emotionally needy and a little vulnerable today. I was able to release some of my pent-up stress through play; but some negativity remains. A spanking party helps me escape from the real world for just a little while; the real world always awaits outside.

Physically, I am aching and sore (AKA "satisfied"). I'd promised Scott I'd play with him first. He and Miranda got stuck in a bad traffic jam so they arrived late -- as a result, I turned down several play requests early in the evening. I wasn't in too much of a topping mood, either. I did top one friend, J., whom I knew would be fun to spank because he's a pain slut.

Rad was busy catching up with others and said he didn't mind that Scott was first on my dance card. Scott's offered to help me stay motivated in one particular area (diet and exercise), and I do appreciate that (much as I hated having to face a punishment for slipping up) and wanted to honor our agreement.

I tend to gravitate toward tops who push me through my fears, those who recognize that I need it hard, who won't back down and won't let me back out. Scott's one of those tops. It was almost laughable, the number of strokes he gave me. There were ten with the Family Strap, then fifteen with a lexan cane, and I think another fifteen with a different strap, one that was almost as nasty as the Family Strap. Doesn't sound like much, right? But the number didn't really seem to matter; they were solid strokes and it was a hard scene to get through.

Before we started, he said to me, "I can tell you've got 100 different things bottled up inside you and I want to help you get some of those out." Then he delivered what he'd promised. I cried. My mascara ran, I was a shaking mess afterward and I had to hold onto his shirt to stand up at first. But he held me up and let me sob a little more.

I did have a lot of things bottled up and this helped. I was raw and didn't feel I could play much with anyone else after that. Therefore, I got the the uneasy feeling that I was letting people down.

This morning some of us met for brunch, and I felt so much more relaxed, more positive and ... happy. I really felt good to be among friends and I was psyched to see everyone else enjoying themselves, too. It completed the weekend.


Radagast said...

I was going to write about the party as well but I don't think I have anything original to say about it.

I understand about emotions. For some reason, I was feeling uneasy last night and it lasted through today as well. I had a good amount of fun last night but this undefined uneasiness was always there -- something I couldn't quite wrap my head around.

Indy said...

I know what you mean about the feeling of uneasiness or letting people down. These are great parties, but they're also short, so there just isn't time to see everyone, much less play with everyone. I was disappointed to miss the brunch this morning, but glad I decided to make the trip. Looking forward to Florida when there will hopefully be lots of time to both hang out and play!

Anonymous said...

Don't apologize for being human...See you at the beach

Anonymous said...

Parties are such a whirlwind of a compressed amount of time. I had a good time, but also feel a certain amount of 'play pressure', and sometimes even feel I don't "belong" at large parties because.. I only like to top a handful of people, and bottom to even less. I had a certain intangible and fairly minor amount of uneasiness too ..having to do with being on that teeter-totter of pleasing others while remaining true to yourself and your own needs in the scene. In many ways, The brunch today was (for me), more enjoyable than the party. It was fun, funny, relaxed and made me feel very appreciative of my real friends. ~Lisa

Anonymous said...

I've found that once I stopped over-thinking things, just going with the ebb and flow of a party, it got easier to participate. I decide what I need to do or don't do on the spot regarding spontaneous play, and if someone is my friend they will understand and respect that. Just as I will do likewise if someone has to say no or must do other things. Why bother playing or attending if it just messes you up? If you put pressure on yourself to perform a certain way, when you are uncomfortable, it is no good for you or a potential partner.

Of course, when you first start attending parties, you are going to be flying high on adrenalin and anxiety and your emotions go crazy! They control you. I know that happened to me. Now that I don't feel the desperation too often, I am better at being in control until such time as I choose to give it up. It is impossible to give everyone the time they might want, or get all the time you want with your friends. So just enjoy what you do get, and remember that this is not the last party ever!

I had a lousy time getting to the party, but was so happy when I got there, met up with friends, got hugs, and got to play how I wanted to play. I also got some food in me, got time to talk, and did not get home late. So I had a great time at the party, and am very glad we went.