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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Warm fuzzy memories*

I remember the pain. I remember I screamed several times, and probably begged at one point for it to stop. I think I remember my shock at how much it hurt, and I wondered how could I possibly take any more. (but I took more because he told me to take more.) There was fear, loss of dignity, awful pain ...

But it all fades into a warm memory, with vague images of being controlled and punished. In my mind I am submitting stoically, a willing recipient.

In reality I am not stoic. I do not take it easily. I writhe and tense up and make noise -- yelping, screaming, sobbing. Sometimes out and out crying. One thing I rarely do is use a safeword. That will take me out of the fantasy place I'm in, the place where he is in control, my fate in his hands.

And when I see him again, no matter how much I crave it and long for it, I will once again be shocked at how much it hurts, and once again I will wonder why I've placed myself in this position.


* This is not about any one particular dom, but about all the doms who know exactly what I need and can deliver it.

5 comments:

Indy said...

So I'm not the only one who's far from stoic? Whew, what a relief! :-)

Caroline Grey said...

Nicely said. I have my stoic moments, but more often than that I am pinwheeling my arms and legs and howling. But yeah, no matter how many times it happens to you, the pain is always such an incredible shock!

Ms. Cassandra (Sandy) Park said...

Yeah, but we keep coming back...

Anonymous said...

OhhhSandy, I can SO relate!! Breathless and breathtaking ....and sublime..and wickedly painful...and you want it to stop but ..." oh PLEASE don't stop..!" Yup. Rock on, Woman! LIsa

Ms. Cassandra (Sandy) Park said...

It's not like I need a spanking or anything. I was just theorizing.