I remember the pain. I remember I screamed several times, and probably begged at one point for it to stop. I think I remember my shock at how much it hurt, and I wondered how could I possibly take any more. (but I took more because he told me to take more.) There was fear, loss of dignity, awful pain ...
But it all fades into a warm memory, with vague images of being controlled and punished. In my mind I am submitting stoically, a willing recipient.
In reality I am not stoic. I do not take it easily. I writhe and tense up and make noise -- yelping, screaming, sobbing. Sometimes out and out crying. One thing I rarely do is use a safeword. That will take me out of the fantasy place I'm in, the place where he is in control, my fate in his hands.
And when I see him again, no matter how much I crave it and long for it, I will once again be shocked at how much it hurts, and once again I will wonder why I've placed myself in this position.
* This is not about any one particular dom, but about all the doms who know exactly what I need and can deliver it.