It was 8:15 a.m. and I was reciting the Serenity Prayer to myself. I had to push my way into a seat on the subway because a leg spreader was blocking it. He finally condescended to move -- slightly. He was tall but not that big; he had room. But he was acting like he didn't know was was going on. He was texting on his cell phone, probably writing about me while I was writing about him. Probably calling me obnoxious for nudging him. Well, f' him. I even said out loud at one point, "It's crowded." In other words, "Please. Share the space." I'm not that big. The guy on my other side had his legs closed, like a decent human being. Come on! Get with the program, leg spreader! (Note to Scott: I did NOT get angry, I was very calm throughout this whole squishy ordeal).
Sigh. At least I got to sit and write. That rarely happens on the R train in the morning.
What else was I thinking about on the train? Food, and fiber, and calories, and wanting to really push myself this week to stay on target. I am restricting my intake to 1,400 calories per day. I'm also measuring fiber, carbs, and fat. I didn't know these stats previously, because I was eyeballing everything and I didn't want to get obsessive. I need a happy medium between obsessive and out of control. (No advice, please. I'm not looking for advice right now). Honestly, I think it's okay to be a little obsessive if that's what it takes to reach a desired goal. If I do it scientifically, then it will happen. Exercise + fewer calories = weight loss. It's not rocket science. Of course, it's not always scientific when you get cravings ...
The other part of the equation is the outside pressure, the comments from people who say I don't need to lose weight, that I look fine. I DO look fine, if I may say so! But it's also okay to say, well, I want to look "finer."
Using BMI charts, readily available at the click of a mouse, I am now .5 pounds below a number that is considered overweight for my height. This is after losing fourteen pounds. I'm happy I'm finally below that number. But yes, I was overweight, and now I'm just BARELY into a normal range. I could lose more than twenty additional pounds and still be in a healthy range for my height. I don't want to or need to lose twenty pounds. I'm just saying that these are the numbers all the experts give you as goals. It takes a lot of hard work to get there, and self-sacrifice, and patience, and forgiveness when you slip, and there have been and will be more slips. Hopefully, not this week.
There is one caveat to this. I'm going to work hard and do my best. But I cannot get into a mindset of "I wish I looked like ______." (Fill in the blank: spanking model, famous actress, attractive friend.) THAT'S dangerous obsessing, not healthy at all, and I can't go there. I am just Sandy, as perfect as I'm going to be.
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11 comments:
Sandy, I really admire your drive. Kinda wish I could emulate it, too. IN the past, I have had periods of intense food restriction and weight loss, enjoyed it for a bit, caved in to eventual ridiculous hunger, and always gained it back. That damn yo-yo gets TOUGH in your 40's !And..it isn't healthy. I am still technically obese for my height..and that is after having gastric bypass in 2001!!( lost 88 pounds) Go figure! I think exercise is key..and I do precious little of it. MY surgeon looked at recent food journals of mine and said I actually dont eat ENOUGH. TRy explaining that to people who think a chunky gal like me shovels food in all day! I need to start kicking my own ass. More exercise..bottom line. You look great....:-) Very funny, enjoyable blog, by the way! :-) Lisa
You DO look great Sandy!! And I know how you feel about the weight and scientific aspect of it all!! What ever you do, do it for you!! And just know that everyone who knows and loves you, will always love you no matter what!!
maria fbg
As an interested party, I am quite happy with the way you look now, the way you looked then and the way you will look.
Thanks for the nice comments.
Lisa, I got on this kick and guess I'm managing to keep going. Some days I want to really throw in the towel.
FBG: The "fun" part of the "science" is that I'm figuring out how much I can eat of what I like to eat, so in the long run I'll be satisfied and not deprived.
Radagast: Love you, too, and the feeling is mutual!
You and Rad are a hot couple. There, I said it. You radiate enthusiasm for the scene stuff, you have great chemistry together. It's pretty clear you love each other muchly. When I look at you guys, that is what I notice first. Not so much the physical part of the package.
Laura, that is so nice of you, but I just want to say that you have your own unique aura. I love how you always speak your mind. J's more quiet... haven't figured him out entirely yet. Maybe he'll have to spank me next time we get together.
BMI can be useful but knowing your body fat % is usefuller. That wasn't advice I just gave you, in case you were wondering.
That is true, J. I HAVE thought about getting that checked out. Wasn't sure if my doctor would do that, or if I have to pay a specialist or a trainer ... previously, I didn't want to spend the money on it.
You can get a scale that tells you your body fat %, it's not a medical procedure!
My aura? ha! I always figured it was one of those "beware" kinda things, but yeah. I speak my mind. Maybe it's because I have to act like such a grown up at work. Tho even parents who have babies in my care note the same thing. I tend not to sugarcoat and will tell them the real deal, not what they want to hear. More matter of fact with compassion of course. Oh and I do have a filter at work! Yes, I can manage to self edit what I say.
Marie -- I didn't know about those body fat scales before. I looked them up online, maybe I'll get one. Thanks.
Laura T. -- I need more of a filter at work...
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