It was 8:15 a.m. and I was reciting the Serenity Prayer to myself. I had to push my way into a seat on the subway because a leg spreader was blocking it. He finally condescended to move -- slightly. He was tall but not that big; he had room. But he was acting like he didn't know was was going on. He was texting on his cell phone, probably writing about me while I was writing about him. Probably calling me obnoxious for nudging him. Well, f' him. I even said out loud at one point, "It's crowded." In other words, "Please. Share the space." I'm not that big. The guy on my other side had his legs closed, like a decent human being. Come on! Get with the program, leg spreader! (Note to Scott: I did NOT get angry, I was very calm throughout this whole squishy ordeal).
Sigh. At least I got to sit and write. That rarely happens on the R train in the morning.
What else was I thinking about on the train? Food, and fiber, and calories, and wanting to really push myself this week to stay on target. I am restricting my intake to 1,400 calories per day. I'm also measuring fiber, carbs, and fat. I didn't know these stats previously, because I was eyeballing everything and I didn't want to get obsessive. I need a happy medium between obsessive and out of control. (No advice, please. I'm not looking for advice right now). Honestly, I think it's okay to be a little obsessive if that's what it takes to reach a desired goal. If I do it scientifically, then it will happen. Exercise + fewer calories = weight loss. It's not rocket science. Of course, it's not always scientific when you get cravings ...
The other part of the equation is the outside pressure, the comments from people who say I don't need to lose weight, that I look fine. I DO look fine, if I may say so! But it's also okay to say, well, I want to look "finer."
Using BMI charts, readily available at the click of a mouse, I am now .5 pounds below a number that is considered overweight for my height. This is after losing fourteen pounds. I'm happy I'm finally below that number. But yes, I was overweight, and now I'm just BARELY into a normal range. I could lose more than twenty additional pounds and still be in a healthy range for my height. I don't want to or need to lose twenty pounds. I'm just saying that these are the numbers all the experts give you as goals. It takes a lot of hard work to get there, and self-sacrifice, and patience, and forgiveness when you slip, and there have been and will be more slips. Hopefully, not this week.
There is one caveat to this. I'm going to work hard and do my best. But I cannot get into a mindset of "I wish I looked like ______." (Fill in the blank: spanking model, famous actress, attractive friend.) THAT'S dangerous obsessing, not healthy at all, and I can't go there. I am just Sandy, as perfect as I'm going to be.