This morning's meditation attempt wasn't so successful. My breathing was off (sinus issues) and I couldn't shut down my head. At 6 a.m. I was trying not to think about work, and no specific thoughts entered my head, but maybe it would have been better if they had. Instead it felt like this oppressive gray mass of doom bearing down on me.
When I get like this, I often think of the character Holly Hunter plays in the movie "Broadcast News." She's a TV news producer; it's of course a highly stressful job, but she's aggressive and competant and does well. However, every morning when she gets up, the first thing she does is make herself cry. She gets the cry out of the way, than is able to face the day. (Isn't there also an expression, "Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and everything else after that will seem like cake"?)
I don't know. I just know that it's Monday and I feel pressure and stress about work. It's a good job and I know if I hang on and get over this awkward period (and I'm sure that's all it is), I'll feel so much better about things. I know from past experience that the second year on the job tends to be the toughest. You're not 100 percent up to speed on everything (they didn't help much by giving me brand new things to learn over the last few months), but you no longer get that leeway that they tend to give new people.
I WILL get through it. I'm writing this on the train, so I'm not about to try to make myself cry this morning. I'm not sure that's what would work for me, anyway -- maybe in MY case I need to ask Rad to give me a whipping or caning every morning.
At one point in my life I used "positive affirmations." There was one I used that started as a joke, created by "Stuart Smalley," AKA Al Franken (can you believe he's about to become a Senator? How awesome is that?)
But here it is in all its self-actualizing brilliance: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it -- People like me!"