Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Spelling it out

I was prompted by Rad's blog today, in which he wrote about certain people at the local BDSM club: "Sometimes it’s the guy drifting through the crowd like a piece of flotsam — now he’s here, now he’s there and always with a silly smile pasted on his face. ... he apparently does not speak. He just meanders wherever there is room to walk, leaving a trail of awkwardness in his wake."

I may have discussed this before, but I still find it a problem, so I wanted to talk about it again. Feedback, of course, would be much appreciated:

There's that look in his eyes that says, "I want you." It's flattering; it's nice to be wanted. If he's a nice-looking, younger man, all the better. But then you notice that instead of talking or playing, all he's doing is hovering. Lurking. Looking. And not just at you, but at many women. Any inclination to play (or even to interact) with this man is rapidly disappearing. He looks desperate. Every time you turn around he seems to be there. Then you make eye contact -- unintentionally -- because you happen to turn your head and he's in your line of vision. "Hi!" he says brightly, a fast glimmer of hope appearing in his face. You think: I thought I just saw you on the other side of the club. How'd you end up near me again?

You break the eye contact as quickly as possible, turn away, walk away, continue whatever conversation you were involved in. Everything about your body language (at least you think) screams, "I'm not interested." But later you move to another part of the club and there he is again. "Hi!"

You decide to go top someone else. He appears again, as you are finishing up. "Hi. Could you top me next?" Dude, what do I need to do to spell it out?

Will it do any good to take him aside and explain things to him? Do I have to go through the unpleasantness of an "official declaration of non-interest"? (AKA rejection). I want to have fun when I go out. I want to play with people I enjoy playing with, not give or get pity spankings, not be the bad guy.

Sigh. I guess I'm CAN'T be a nice person here. I might as well go all the way and be a bitch. I've heard some women claim they told some guy at a party, "Get the fuck away from me!" To the best of my recollection, I've never taken that tack, although I have gotten angry when I've told someone I wasn't interested and he continued his pursuit. Some guys have this endearing little trick of waiting until Rad goes to the men's room, then zooming over to me.

I'm thinking I will talk to the one guy who prompted this blog. I don't know if it will change anything, but at least he can't claim I sent him mixed messages. And maybe there's another alternative for the future -- hand him a business card with a note: "I'm not interested in playing with you tonight, but here is my contact information and my rates if you'd like to make an appointment."


Note for my next blog: Talk about what I DO like at parties!


Anonymous said...

Oh my yes,yes, YES, I cannot even begin to tell you how much this bothers me. I was raised in the south and confrontation of any kind is such a buzz kill for me. This past weekend I had a little issue with a lurker/stalker/ buzzing around me like a fruit fly-er. lol. I don't know what else I could have done to give him the cold shoulder. I'm a spank-EE in public...for the most part and that night I was most definitely in bottom space. WHY oh WHY oh WHY did this man have to cram into my lovely bottom time EVERY time I just finished a spanking scene. Sigh....not fun. ok, end of rant and THANK YOU for touching on my very thought process this morning. Great blog and wonderful to see you this past Saturday...see you in Philly!


Ms. Cassandra (Sandy) Park said...

Thanks, Mel. Glad to hear it when people identify!

Marie/Kate JAmes said...

I LOVE the business card idea...I may steal it!!! :)

And I'd never tell someone to get the fuck away from me...but if he kept up the pursuit, I'd just tell Michael and let HIM deal with it. But only if it was becoming creepy.

No reason why *I* should have to deal with someone unpleasant when I've come to have a good time.

Jake said...

Sometimes you just gotta spell. it. out.

There is a reason for this. If a man is doing The Hover, then he probably doesn't have the social acuity to recognize your standoffish body language to begin with. After all, if he had the skills to read women's b.l. then he would be interacting with them, not hovering. Stands to reason, I think.

A polite rejection is an entirely appropriate and necessary tool for functioning in the BDSM social world.

Ms. Cassandra (Sandy) Park said...

Yes, but how many times do you have to say "No" politely before he stops hovering and persisting?

SmilingDevil said...

You must ask 23 times. But, if it is snowing, then only 17. If it is snowing and a full moon, then you must ask 31 times. The ways of men are mysterious.

Ms. Cassandra (Sandy) Park said...