This morning's meditation attempt wasn't so successful. My breathing was off (sinus issues) and I couldn't shut down my head. At 6 a.m. I was trying not to think about work, and no specific thoughts entered my head, but maybe it would have been better if they had. Instead it felt like this oppressive gray mass of doom bearing down on me.
When I get like this, I often think of the character Holly Hunter plays in the movie "Broadcast News." She's a TV news producer; it's of course a highly stressful job, but she's aggressive and competant and does well. However, every morning when she gets up, the first thing she does is make herself cry. She gets the cry out of the way, than is able to face the day. (Isn't there also an expression, "Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and everything else after that will seem like cake"?)
I don't know. I just know that it's Monday and I feel pressure and stress about work. It's a good job and I know if I hang on and get over this awkward period (and I'm sure that's all it is), I'll feel so much better about things. I know from past experience that the second year on the job tends to be the toughest. You're not 100 percent up to speed on everything (they didn't help much by giving me brand new things to learn over the last few months), but you no longer get that leeway that they tend to give new people.
I WILL get through it. I'm writing this on the train, so I'm not about to try to make myself cry this morning. I'm not sure that's what would work for me, anyway -- maybe in MY case I need to ask Rad to give me a whipping or caning every morning.
At one point in my life I used "positive affirmations." There was one I used that started as a joke, created by "Stuart Smalley," AKA Al Franken (can you believe he's about to become a Senator? How awesome is that?)
But here it is in all its self-actualizing brilliance: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it -- People like me!"
Monday, January 5, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
Taken in hand vs. asking for it
I mentioned two days ago that there were terrific discussions and sharing among the group of spanking fetishist friends I had the honor of spending New Year's Eve/New Year's morning with. Tops and bottoms and switches weighed in on a variety of topics, and there was a lot of honesty.
At one point, we talked about "asking for play" vs. "bratting" vs. "none of the above." (Specifically, at spanking parties, where everyone presumably has the same interest).
The "none of the above" category was really something along the lines of: "You know why I'm here, I'm here because I want to get spanked -- why do I have to play games and be silly to get your attention? And why do I have to ask? I just want to be taken in hand."
That scenario HAS happened with me. But it's very, very rare, and you have to know the top well and he has to know it's okay with you and your partner, if you are part of a couple. When it does happen, though -- oh, God, it's a beautiful thing. Suddenly everything shifts from normalcy to that heart-pounding fearful anticipation as you're led away to your doom. You didn't expect it -- but now it's about to happen and you're going to get it.
At a party, I do prefer not to ask, but I don't mind it too much. If I want the scene to be more "natural" -- AKA, for there to be a reason for the spanking -- then I'll brat or do the witty banter thing. I will NOT be a brat with someone I don't want to play with. It doesn't make any sense.
I don't do over the top bratting like water guns, crackers exploding at a top's feet, or, God forbid, Silly String. Sometimes I will get physical, though. I might playfully smack a top's butt, or pretend that I'm going to spank him with something, or tug his ear -- something the top might do to ME. Childish, harmless play. When I do stuff like that to Rad he either spanks me or he'll give me a threatening look and promise to spank me later. Verbally, I may wait for a moment when he's been going on about some topic for a while, and then I'll say something sarcastic.
I don't think I would get spanked that much if I didn't ask for it or somehow call attention to myself. But there is one option, which came up -- using a go-between. If you want to play with a top but don't want to ask or be a brat, you ask a friend who knows him to see if he wants to play. Then you establish that it's okay for him just to walk up to you and "take you in hand." Then you hope it happens at a moment when you're not involved in a conversation with another top you've been hoping to play with...
At one point, we talked about "asking for play" vs. "bratting" vs. "none of the above." (Specifically, at spanking parties, where everyone presumably has the same interest).
The "none of the above" category was really something along the lines of: "You know why I'm here, I'm here because I want to get spanked -- why do I have to play games and be silly to get your attention? And why do I have to ask? I just want to be taken in hand."
That scenario HAS happened with me. But it's very, very rare, and you have to know the top well and he has to know it's okay with you and your partner, if you are part of a couple. When it does happen, though -- oh, God, it's a beautiful thing. Suddenly everything shifts from normalcy to that heart-pounding fearful anticipation as you're led away to your doom. You didn't expect it -- but now it's about to happen and you're going to get it.
At a party, I do prefer not to ask, but I don't mind it too much. If I want the scene to be more "natural" -- AKA, for there to be a reason for the spanking -- then I'll brat or do the witty banter thing. I will NOT be a brat with someone I don't want to play with. It doesn't make any sense.
I don't do over the top bratting like water guns, crackers exploding at a top's feet, or, God forbid, Silly String. Sometimes I will get physical, though. I might playfully smack a top's butt, or pretend that I'm going to spank him with something, or tug his ear -- something the top might do to ME. Childish, harmless play. When I do stuff like that to Rad he either spanks me or he'll give me a threatening look and promise to spank me later. Verbally, I may wait for a moment when he's been going on about some topic for a while, and then I'll say something sarcastic.
I don't think I would get spanked that much if I didn't ask for it or somehow call attention to myself. But there is one option, which came up -- using a go-between. If you want to play with a top but don't want to ask or be a brat, you ask a friend who knows him to see if he wants to play. Then you establish that it's okay for him just to walk up to you and "take you in hand." Then you hope it happens at a moment when you're not involved in a conversation with another top you've been hoping to play with...
"Goals," not "resolutions"
First of all, Happy New Year to everyone reading this. Rad and I spent New Year's Eve with a small group of spanking friends, and we all stayed overnight at our host's house -- some on air mattresses in the living and dining room, others in upstairs bedrooms -- and it was lovely waking up together the next morning sharing bagels and coffee and fruit, continuing conversations (and some spankings) that had started the night before, getting to know people better -- people I've known for several years but never had serious, in-depth conversations with. We will see most of them again tomorrow night at Paddles (OTK night, the first of 2009).
I started a list of about twenty New Year's resolutions sometime during the day on New Year's Eve (I figure you have to establish your resolutions BEFORE the stroke of midnight, right?). But it started to get ridiculous -- practice guitar twice a week, meditate every day, exercise every day, write every day, work on my mosaics, create a professional website, take an exercise course, take a professional course, take a self-improvement course, pay off all my credit cards by March, etc. etc.
I decided it was too much. There are some things that are important -- I do have to pay off my credit cards, but perhaps "by March" is too ambitious. I am going to try to meditate every day for ten minutes, and to write every day for maybe 10 or 15 minutes. These are things that I need for my own well-being. I'm already exercising every day, so I'll just continue that in the new year.
I thought of one other goal, which is to answer my cell phone instead of letting it go to voicemail UNLESS I'm in a place where I can't do that, and to respond to all voice messages, emails, or text messages within 24 hours.
The other goals are good and I'll work toward them, but won't consider them "do this or you will have failed" resolutions. That's the problem with resolutions -- they become "do this or you have failed" albatrosses.
I do have one HUGE resolution (and I'm calling it a resolution because it is a really important thing that I want to improve in my life), and that is to be more positive and more accepting of myself, and to stop feeling so f'ing guilty every time I turn around.
I started a list of about twenty New Year's resolutions sometime during the day on New Year's Eve (I figure you have to establish your resolutions BEFORE the stroke of midnight, right?). But it started to get ridiculous -- practice guitar twice a week, meditate every day, exercise every day, write every day, work on my mosaics, create a professional website, take an exercise course, take a professional course, take a self-improvement course, pay off all my credit cards by March, etc. etc.
I decided it was too much. There are some things that are important -- I do have to pay off my credit cards, but perhaps "by March" is too ambitious. I am going to try to meditate every day for ten minutes, and to write every day for maybe 10 or 15 minutes. These are things that I need for my own well-being. I'm already exercising every day, so I'll just continue that in the new year.
I thought of one other goal, which is to answer my cell phone instead of letting it go to voicemail UNLESS I'm in a place where I can't do that, and to respond to all voice messages, emails, or text messages within 24 hours.
The other goals are good and I'll work toward them, but won't consider them "do this or you will have failed" resolutions. That's the problem with resolutions -- they become "do this or you have failed" albatrosses.
I do have one HUGE resolution (and I'm calling it a resolution because it is a really important thing that I want to improve in my life), and that is to be more positive and more accepting of myself, and to stop feeling so f'ing guilty every time I turn around.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
