Been thinking about what I said about taking a stand at the next party toward boys behaving badly. Truth is, I fear I'll wimp out. Despite massive improvements since my younger years, I still have people-pleasing tendencies. I still want to be the "nice" girl. I might complain to friends, of course, but may not talk to the guy himself. Talking to him might work, but I sometimes fear it will bring on additional undesirable behavior.
I'm not talking about the black-and-white cases where there WAS an incident -- the drunk guy at Shadow Lane who grabbed my arm at the edge of the dance floor and announced that we were going to dance. The stranger who walked by and touched my butt at Paddles. Easy: They were over the line; I complained; action was taken. Eve and Tony tossed the obnoxious drunk out, and Michael at Paddles told the butt-grabber to leave.
More often there are the gray areas, which women who go to these public events may struggle with: What must we just accept? What is a violation? What is simply social awkwardness? What is stalking?
Perhaps one person's "stalking" is, to someone else, simply coming back and asking a second time to play. On the other hand, perhaps you've said no several times already and the guy approaches you again. I'd like to think that my body language and demeanor will let someone know I'm interested or not. Of course that's not always the case. So I have to just say, "No thank you."
Items for discussion, which I may propose as a Shadow Lane chat, if people are willing to participate: How do you deal with rejection -- on the receiving or giving end? What is crossing the line to you? If someone feels "creepy" or "off" but hasn't really done anything, can you complain? Is it shyness, or anti-social behavior? If someone is shy, do you feel a responsibility to help him/her feel welcome? If someone makes you uncomfortable, do you talk to him?
P.S. I hope to write tomorrow or the next day about why I miss Shadow Lane and can't wait for the party! Lest anyone think it is populated by a bunch of freaks, that's not the case. These guys I'm talking about are not the norm.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Pre-SL uneasiness
I approach this year's Shadow Lane party (less than three weeks away now) with a little nervousness. It's my usual pre-party trepidation combined with additional feelings that have arisen over the past six months or so. Much of it is a feeling that the scene that I once felt very safe in is changing, that there are a lot more aggressive men wandering around, that women are seen more and more as objects to be snatched off a shelf, perhaps examined then put back on the shelf...
More people seem lonely, and, as a result, desperate. If you don't have a partner, being in the scene can be painful. If you don't even have people to play with, of course it's worse. I feel for the people in these situations. I really do; I've been there. But my empathy goes out the window when they use their loneliness as a rationale for assaulting women, for touching what they shouldn't touch, or, when given permission to do ______, push the envelope and see if they can get ______, too, never asking the woman if she wanted _____.
On top of that, there seem to be more angry men walking around. Not just at BDSM events, but in the world in general. When someone seems to think he is OWED something and he doesn't get it, anger tends to result. I don't need to find myself in a play situation with an angry man, especially one who's angry at women.
There was a reason I started going to parties and clubs eight years ago: I did not have a partner and I wanted to increase my chances of meeting people who were into what I was into. Being public definitely helped improve my social life. Along the way I discovered my exhibitionist streak and my voyeuristic streak.
Being allowed to get naked (you can do this at Paddles) helped my self-esteem tremendously. It feels divine, and I never thought I would feel this good about my body!
That said, there is a whopping difference between going natural and saying yes to sexual play with strangers. My husband and I are sexually exclusive. Intercourse, oral sex or penetration with others is off-limits. I may be a spanking "slut," but I'm not really a slut. I simply like pain, punishment and submission, and I sometimes seek it out from various sources.
But even if I were completely free sexually and chose to have multiple sexual partners -- it's up to me to say yes or no to someone. It's not up to HIM to take it.
I don't really have to explain this, right? Maybe I do. Maybe it needs to be said many, many times until the message sinks in. Public play is where people are getting to know each other, or they're getting other needs met (it's not about sex, for many, many people). It's in private, with someone you trust, that more intimate play occurs. But only if agreed upon!
I'm simply not going to put up with any bullshit this year. If someone violates me or any of my friends, if someone harasses me, stalks me, gives me angry glares from across the room, touches my butt unasked, enters my scene space, makes lewd comments about my body, and won't stop the offensive behavior when asked, I'm filing a complaint. I'm there to have fun, and I'm tired of the nonsense.
More people seem lonely, and, as a result, desperate. If you don't have a partner, being in the scene can be painful. If you don't even have people to play with, of course it's worse. I feel for the people in these situations. I really do; I've been there. But my empathy goes out the window when they use their loneliness as a rationale for assaulting women, for touching what they shouldn't touch, or, when given permission to do ______, push the envelope and see if they can get ______, too, never asking the woman if she wanted _____.
On top of that, there seem to be more angry men walking around. Not just at BDSM events, but in the world in general. When someone seems to think he is OWED something and he doesn't get it, anger tends to result. I don't need to find myself in a play situation with an angry man, especially one who's angry at women.
There was a reason I started going to parties and clubs eight years ago: I did not have a partner and I wanted to increase my chances of meeting people who were into what I was into. Being public definitely helped improve my social life. Along the way I discovered my exhibitionist streak and my voyeuristic streak.
Being allowed to get naked (you can do this at Paddles) helped my self-esteem tremendously. It feels divine, and I never thought I would feel this good about my body!
That said, there is a whopping difference between going natural and saying yes to sexual play with strangers. My husband and I are sexually exclusive. Intercourse, oral sex or penetration with others is off-limits. I may be a spanking "slut," but I'm not really a slut. I simply like pain, punishment and submission, and I sometimes seek it out from various sources.
But even if I were completely free sexually and chose to have multiple sexual partners -- it's up to me to say yes or no to someone. It's not up to HIM to take it.
I don't really have to explain this, right? Maybe I do. Maybe it needs to be said many, many times until the message sinks in. Public play is where people are getting to know each other, or they're getting other needs met (it's not about sex, for many, many people). It's in private, with someone you trust, that more intimate play occurs. But only if agreed upon!
I'm simply not going to put up with any bullshit this year. If someone violates me or any of my friends, if someone harasses me, stalks me, gives me angry glares from across the room, touches my butt unasked, enters my scene space, makes lewd comments about my body, and won't stop the offensive behavior when asked, I'm filing a complaint. I'm there to have fun, and I'm tired of the nonsense.
This cat is f**ked?
\Spotted on the shelf at Keyfood on Saturday
(closeup)
We laughed when we saw this. I love unfortunate typos. And it's funny that we spotted this minutes after I complained to a Keyfood manager that hardly any of the shelves and/or products were labeled properly. I said, "You can never tell how much something is." (I did not mention that asking for help in that store is an exercise in futility. That's a separate issue...) He gave me a long-suffering look and said, "You're the third person who's complained this weekend alone about the labeling. We've tried, but the night crew leaves a little something to be desired." I said, "OK, well, thanks for listening..."
Obviously, getting a typo fixed is not going to happen. Hope my cats aren't REALLY healthfuked.
P.S. I'm planning to write after breakfast; I'll have a "real" blog soon.
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